Hyrule TV Shows
by BrokenAndDiscarded
Summary: Here is my humor story! Basically I will write chapters on different shows you'd find on Hyrule TV. Chapter Three: (Hey I wanted another chapter 3 ok!) a spoof on Friends. Please read and review!
1. Chapter One: Court Is In Session

Authors Notes:   
  
This is not, I repeat NOT, the fanfic I promised to write. My other fic is very different and much more... *ahem* polished then this. (This has to be put in the Genus Book of World Records: the first time an author ever put down her/his own work!) This fic however is just for my own enjoyment and hopefully yours too! Okey dokey??  
  
Please read and review! If you do not then the Almighty Jasmine will unleash the wrath of Hell upon you, you villainous slacker curs! ................. A hehe. ^.^;; Umm ya sorry 'bout that; I really won't kill ya! Well not today anyway because its Saturday and I'm going shopping! Just leave a review k and make my day?? Tehehe.  
  
Dislamer: I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING.......... Wow that was really depressing...........   
  


Hyrule TV Shows **  
**By ~*Princess J*~  
  
**Chapter One: Hyrule Court**  
  


There's a small courtroom with a witness stand and benches and all that stuff (Come on people, you've seen Judge Judy. Work with me here!). A bailiff stands to one side of the judge's chair, looking all scary and impressive like.   
  
Bailiff Steve: Please all rise...  
  
Suddenly some bad techno music begins to play and lights flash all around the room.  
  
B.S.: For Juuuuddddggggeeee Jasmine!   
  
I come running out wearing a purple satin robe (*GASP* Do you think I'd wear any ol' Judge robe? ^o^ Course not!). I'm moving my arm around in a circle like Arsenial Hall and all the jury do the same.   
  
Jasmine: Whoop! Whoop! Let's give it up people!  
  
Then the lights go back on and everyone sits down. I go to my stand.   
  
Jasmine: Hey everyone and welcome to Hyrule Court! Or as I wanted to call it but the network decided it was a teenie bit too flashy, THE AMAZING JUDGE JASMINE SHOW STARING THE ALMIGHTY.... ME!! (o.O ... Whats wrong with that?)  
  
Jasmine: Ahem now continuing on.... Up now we have a fabulous cooking recipe by Princess Zelda's own personal chief: Fried Zora in a wine sauce!   
  
A little woman with a head piece in her ear comes up and whispers something to me.  
  
Woman: Psh Psh Psh Psh............... Hsp  
  
Jasmine: WHAT?? You have to be kidding me! This is no way to run a court room show! Get my agent on the phone!!  
  
Woman: Psh Psh Psh............  
  
Jasmine: *GASP* How dare you say that to ME!!!! My agent most certainly isn't up my O.O....... How is that even humanly possible?!   
  
The woman shrugs and walks away.   
  
Jasmine: Uh ya.... o_O;; Ok well there has been a little change of plans folks. It seems the Zora for our recipe chewed through its ropes and is now on the loose some place in the studio... I'm sure we will catch it soon though. I mean, how fast can it run with fins, right? Well anyway, while my staff looks for another Zora....  
  
Immediatly all the Zoras in the audience sweat drop and duck under their benches.  
  
Jasmine: ... We will just have to go on with our first case instead. Bailiff Steve, will you please bring in our first claim?   
  
B.S.: Yes, your Honor.   
  
Enters Princess Ruto and Link. They each take a stand, Ruto looking a little nervous.   
  
Ruto: I would just like to say that I am not in any way an igrediant to your recipe understood? After all, everyone knows you can't cook royalty... We're too chewy!  
  
Jasmine: *big fake smile* Yes of course, Princess! *Turning to my staff and whispering behind my hand* If she gets too annoying, she's in the pot, got it?   
  
Ruto: HEY! I can hear you ya know? Gee you'd think there would be at least a half a brain requirment for judges now-a-days!  
  
Jasmine: Would you prefer oragano or just a dash of pepper?  
  
Ruto: o_o Eep! I'm shutting up now.   
  
Jasmine: Thank you. Now on with the case! Plaintiff, please state your accustation.   
  
Ruto: Well you see your honor, I am just a poor innocent victim...  
  
Link: *rolling eyes* Ya right! And my left foot is President George W. Bush!   
  
Jasmine: Oooo really? Doesn't he perfer to be called 'Dubya'?   
  
Link: I'm not sure. Let me ask...   
  
Link takes his shoe off and is about to talk to his foot.   
  
Ruto: AHEM! We were about to listen to my sob story people!   
  
Jasmine: ^-^;; Hehe. Ah yes, you may continue...  
  
Ruto: Thank you. As I was saying, I was the one who was swindled...   
  
Jasmine: Double-crossed!  
  
Link: Duped!   
  
Jasmine: Bamboozled!  
  
Link: Hood-winked!  
  
Jasmine: Fleece pulled over your eyes!  
  
Ruto: PEOPLE! Lets concentrate on ME please!  
  
Jasmine: Sorries again!   
  
Ruto: ... Now like I was saying before I was so RUDELY and RANDOMLY interrupted... Link promised to marry me when we were younger. Since I was such a trusting girl, I gave him the Zora's Stone as a gift for our engagement... Which by the way, you never gave me any engagement present! .  
  
Link: *gulp* ..... Its in the mail......  
  
Ruto: For seven years, bucko?   
  
Link: O blast those UPS guys! Curse them and their forsaken offspring! CURSES, CURSES! *Shouts and raises a fist overly dramatic like, wilts to the ground*   
  
Ruto: O.O Uh ya... As I was saying... Now that we are older, that blonde bimbo refuses to marry me! Imagine, refusing to marry ME?   
  
Jasmine: *flat, bored voice* Uh hu. A real crime. Cry me a river... So now you want the stone back, am I correct?   
  
Ruto: No, I want mola! Lots of it too! I've had emotional distress ya know! I got all teary and smuged my mascara!   
  
Jasmine: *GASP* I hate ruining my mascara! The fairy boy will pay with his life! ... O wait, can Zoras even wear mascara? Since, like you live in, uh, water?  
  
Ruto: Waterproof Mascara by CoverFish - Not just for Hylians anymore.   
  
Jasmine: Ooo....  
  
Link: Um ladies, can I have a chance to argue my case?   
  
Jasmine: O of course... *cough* mascara ruiner *cough*  
  
Link: Excuse me?   
  
Jasmine: ^_^ Nothing nothing... Proceed please.  
  
Link: I admit I did take the stone from Ruto and kinda swore to marry her in seven years...  
  
Jasmine: What did you say to her? "Well if I can have the stone, maybe... sorta... eventually I'll marry you?"  
  
Link: Nope. I just had my fingers crossed behind my back! ^_~   
  
Jasmine: Oooooohhh, a finger-crossing pact breaker? Impressive.   
  
Ruto: *seeing red* Why you little son of a...  
  
Jasmine: Hey watch it! This show comes on right after Barney so there are probably kids watching... Weirdo, druged-up kids... But still, show some manners!  
  
Ruto: *Grumble* Jellybeans.   
  
Jasmine: That's better! Now Link, why did you take the Zora stone in the first place if you didn't plan to marry Ruto?   
  
Ruto: He's a floozy gold digger, that's why!   
  
Link: Uh hello people!! I'm the Hero of Time, I took it to save all your sorry butts!!   
  
Jasmine: o.o I'm kinda drawing a blank....  
  
Link: A derrrr!! I had to collect all the stones to get the Triforce and save Hyrule from villanous evil!! Ring any bells?!  
  
Jasmine: ........ Nope, can't say it does. *Ding a ding ding ding ding....... and a ding* O wait, what's that I hear? A bell?   
  
Tinkerbell flies by and she is drinking coffee and has a deep, old woman voice. Her hair isn't even blonde anymore, its gray.   
  
Tinkerbell: Can't you tell its just me, youngin'? You'd think with your eyesight you'd be able to tell a fairy from a dagnabit bell when you saw one.   
  
Jasmine: O sorries... The Disney studios is down the hall, Tinks!   
  
Tinkerbell: Oye, I'm getting too old for all this flying! Go here, go there... When did they move the studio anyway?  
  
Jasmine: o.O They didn't. This is the Hyrule Court studio, yours is down the hall...  
  
Tinkerbell: Where am I? AND WHO ARE YOU? Your not that sales lady again are you? I told you, I DON'T want a subscription to Fairies Home Journal SO GET LOST, YOU VULTURE!  
  
Jasmine: -__- ...Bailiff Steve, will you please escort Tinkerbell to the Disney studios?   
  
B.S.: Sure, Judge Jasmine.   
  
He grabs the little old fairy in his hand and she starts shouting as they leave about him hurting her kidneys.   
  
Jasmine: I think it's time for her to retire. At age seventy-six, she's just not very adorable and pixie-like anymore. But I guess three packs a day and a bladder problem will do that to ya... So um ya anyways, where were we? A bell or something?   
  
Link: @_@ I told you that I took Ruto's stone because I had to save Hyrule... Remember?   
  
Jasmine: O ya, you were all like "Blah blah blah I'm a hero Blah blah blah". Now I remember.  
  
Ruto: O please, just because you're the legendary Hero of Time and rescued the kingdom from a disastrous, ominous fate... doesn't mean you can break my heart!   
  
Jasmine: Wow, is she always a cry baby like this?  
  
Link: Yep pretty much.  
  
Jasmine: Now I can see why you didn't want to marry her. She's always like "Waaaa! Me me me!"  
  
Link: Yea, my therapist thinks she has emotional issues from being an only child but I think it has more to do with her being a big PAIN IN THE BUTT.   
  
Ruto: Excuse me, I'm still in the room you know!  
  
Jasmine: O I'm sorry! *Mumble* Would ya like some cheese to go with that whine, fish girl?  
  
Ruto: Pardon me?!  
  
Link: Why? You fart or something? Because if you did, I think you should have warned me first. I mean, I had my mouth open and everything... (Ok totally stolen from Shrek I admit! O please, like you never stole anything in your life, you haughty readers you!)   
  
Jasmine and Ruto: Ewww! .... O.O Did we just say something in unison? AHHHHHH!!!! There, we did it again! O HOLY CHEESE AND CRACKERS!  
  
Finally Ruto and I stop screaming.  
  
Ruto: I'd like to call a witness to the stand, your Honor.   
  
Jasmine: Alright, I guess you can since we have another 10 minutes to kill before the show is over. Bring 'em in!  
  
A big slimy whale comes flopping into the courtroom. Everyone is speechless as Jabu-Jabu flops down the aisle and into the witness stand. He's weazing because he's out of breath and all. How he can be out of water I'm not even sure of......... o.O Well don't ask me alright! I'm not the one who called a big fat whale thingy into court, jeezum!!!!  
  
Jabu-Jabu: *Little high pitched voice* Sorry it took me so long. The traffic was backed up all the way from Lon Lon Ranch, there was a rabid cucco in the road.   
  
Jasmine: That's ok......... I guess........... Bailiff Steve, will you please swear in the witness? Hey, did you ever notice your initials are B.S.! HAHAHAHAHA........aha! Can I call you that, huh B.S.?   
  
B.S.: *Not amused* --_-- No. I'd perfer it if you didn't.   
  
Jasmine: Ok I won't say any B.S. Haha get it? I made a funny!  
  
B.S.: I'm not joking, your Honor. I really don't like being called that.   
  
Jasmine: O alright I understand. I'm sorry. Please continue.   
  
B.S.: Do you swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, so help you Bob?   
  
JJ: Whose Bob?   
  
B.S.: I think its the guy who made the jello pudding packs..........  
  
JJ: Oh ok. Sure, I swear........... Mmmmmm jello............  
  
The whale begins to drool and it floods the court room.   
  
Jasmine: *Wearing a rain jacket and hat* Can you please not do that!!!!!!!!!!! I don't like getting hat hair! ^o^  
  
JJ: O sorry. My bad.  
  
Ruto: So where were you on the night of January 5th, 1992?  
  
JJ: At Dennies...... Eating jello................ Mmmmmmmmm.......... *Salvates some more*   
  
Jasmine: *In a row boat* I WARNED YOU! I'm giving you one more chance and then you're so outta here, bub!  
  
JJ: ^.^;; Sorry again! Does anyone have a hankie? *I give him a hankie and he dabs at the sides of his mouth*  
  
Ruto: Ok then, where were you on the night of April 11th, 1992?  
  
JJ: I was in my cavern, sleeping like I always do. I remember I was dreaming of....... Jello!.............. Mmmm............... (Was anyone surprised by that?? *A guy with black hair in the last row raises his hand* ........Hmmmm ...... k...... YOU'RE DUMB!)  
  
Jasmine: *Dumping out water from my boat with a bucket* O MY PANTS!!!!! Will you stop with the Jello! I ........ HATE......... JELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Disclaimer: In no way are the opinions expressed by my character in the story my own beliefs. In fact, I rather enjoy Jello. Jello is good, Jello is my terrific.......... So don't sue! All you'll get are lint balls and a penny! Unless you like lint balls and pennies.......... Then I guess you can sue. ^__^)   
  
Bob, a fat bald guy (Who invented Jello, remember?!?! * A guy with black hair in the last row says "I don't remember.......". SHUTTUP YOU!), runs in and chucks Jello at my face. It bounces off my nose harmlessly and into Jabu- Jabu's awaiting mouth.   
  
Jasmine: HEY!   
  
Bob: You Jello racist!! Thats what you get! Jello will rule the earth one day, you'll see! YOU WILL ALL BE JELLO SLAVES!!!!!!!! MUA HAHAHAHAHA!!!! XD  
  
Jasmine: o_O ........... Hmmm k? And I thought Jabu-Jabu was a lil obsessed........  
  
JJ: *Licks lips* Yummmmm Jello, the lime flavored kind too. ^_^  
  
Ruto: NOW back to my questioning! What happened on that night besides you sleeping, Jabu- Jabu?  
  
JJ: O right...... Well I was sleeping, dreaming of.......  
  
Jasmine: SHUDDAP! IF YOU SAY IT, YOU DIE, BLUBBER BOY!   
  
JJ: ^o^;; EEP! Right well let's just say I was dreaming, when I burped.......  
  
Jasmine: Ewwww yicky!  
  
JJ: Well pardon me but you try having people run around inside YOUR tummy all day! ;_ ;  
  
Jasmine: Eeee I'm sorries. Please continue.  
  
JJ: And I woke up. Then I noticed two little kids talking.   
  
Ruto: Who were these little children?   
  
JJ: Well it was you, Princess Ruto, and a strange, blonde haired boy in green tights that I had never seen before.   
  
Ruto: Hmmm..... Interesting. Would you describe the boy as being weak, unfashionable, and girly-looking?  
  
JJ: Well.... Yes I suppose I would.   
  
Ruto: *Getting all into this lawer thing and points towards Link* And would he just happen to look similiar to this man if he was aged seven years, Jabu-Jabu?   
  
JJ: Yup I guess. I mean he still wears the same clothes............ o_o;; Which is creepy and nasty by the way.  
  
Link: Hey! In no way am I weak, unfashionable, or girly-looking! And these are different clothes, I just happen to like the color green alrighty! I've grown a lot since I was seven ya kno!  
  
Jasmine: ......................................... Sure .............................................. (Wow lookie the dots go!)  
  
Link: _ Jerk!   
  
Jasmine: Haha! When you scrunch your face up like that you look even more like a girl! *Talks like those beefed up SNL muscle guys* LINKY'S A LITTLE GIRLY-MAN!   
  
Link: *grumble grumble*  
  
Ruto: Jabu-Jabu, did you happen to see anything that transpired between Link and I in the lake?   
  
Link: Objection, your Honor!  
  
Jasmine: o.o Whats the matter? That seemed like a perfectly logical question if you ask me.   
  
Link: --____--- ................... I don't like what she meantby transpired...  
  
Jasmine: Ugh, YUCK!!!!! I'm sure she didn't mean anything sexual, right Ruto?  
  
Ruto: *Looks around guiltily and whistles* Dum de dum dum...  
  
Jasmine: *o* Dear Lord! BAD, BAD IMAGES!!!! For pete's sake, just answer the question Jabu-Jabu while I try and get that disgusting thought out of my head *Starts smacking my head*........ And remember no references to a certain gelatin substance OK?  
  
JJ: OK....... I did see the two children talking and then the Princess gave our stone to the boy.   
  
Ruto: A HA!!!!!!!!!!! NOW DO YOU SEE, DO YA?   
  
Jasmine: See what? I don't see anything....... *Looks around*  
  
Ruto: Grr I mean do you HEAR, you imbecile? That's proof that Link did take the Zora's Stone from me! *She starts to dance around and sing* LA LA LA! I DID IT, I DID IT!!!!!!! I'm the BESTEST little lawyer in the whole wide world!!!!! YAY!!!!  
  
Jasmine: *Looking bored and very unimpressed* Well, really all that you proved was that you gave the stone to Link, but you never proved WHY you gave it to him. That's really the only thing I care about.  
  
Ruto: DARN! Foiled again, AGAIN!!!! *She screams and melts to the floor like the wicked witch of the West* AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! I'm meeelllllttiiiinnnnggggg!!!! .......... I'll get you my pretty and your little dog too!  
  
Link: _ Why'd you look at me when you said dog huh?  
  
Jasmine: HAHAHAHAHA! ITS THE FACE AGAIN!!!  
  
Link :Gr! _  
  
JJ: *Staring at the puddle of Ruto on the floor* Mmmmmm............ She looks like blue Jello.........  
  
Jasmine: THAT'S IT!!!!!!! OUT OF MY COURTROOM, YOU DROOLING DOLT!!!!!!!!!!! @o@  
  
The big whale flops out of the courtroom and Bailiff Steve mops up Ruto.   
  
Jasmine: The honorable Judge Jasmine........ Me! Yay! ^_^ ....... Has reached her verdict on this court case, Fish Girl vs Fairy Boy, and is ready to say her decision.......... But now! Here's a word from our sponsers!   
  


*  


Announcer: Do you suffer from the same problem as this poor man here?  
  
The camera zooms in on Rauru sitting back in a Laz-E Boy recliner, stuffing his face full with greasy chicken wings and there are discarded boxes all around. Also a package of half-eaten donuts lies on his bulging stomach. Suddenly the old Sage lets one go and chokes/burps on the foul air.  
  
Rauru: O BOY, I don't remember eating that..........   
  
Announcer: Yes, that's right. I mean a.............. sloppy eater!  
  
Chicken juice gurgles down his double chins and onto his robe.   
  
Rauru: I can lick that off....... after.......... When I have the energy to move my head........   
  
Announcer: ....... Or the medical term for such a disease: A PIG! Now however, there is a cure to this common illness that strikes 1 out of every 100,000,000,000,000,000,000 people. Introducing the Adult Bibe by We-Make-Pieces-Of-Crap-That-No-One-Will-Ever-Use Co!!!!!!!!!  
  
Now it zooms back on to show Rauru with a big cloth bibe on, still eating as messy as ever.   
  
Announcer: IF YOUR LIKE THIS GUY, IT'S THE ANSWER TO YOUR PRAYERS!!!! It's washable, just use your own saliva, and now comes in five attractive colors as well; pea soup, burnt lasagna, french fry grease, day old brownie smuge, and for a limited time only, sour milk! So run, or roll, down to your local convenient store today and say, "Hey, I want an Adult Bibe! ........ And if you don't give it to me, I'll rob you blind! ........... Have the cash all in 100 dollar bills and put them in my bag...... Niiiice and easy now. Don't try anything stupid and no one will get hurt........ Hey what's that you have in your han-...... "   
  
Disclaimer: We-Make-Pieces-Of-Crap-That-No-One-Will-Ever-Use Co. is not responsible for any injuries that may occur due to our product or our campaing ads, such as loss of an eye, shooting off a leg, life in jail, and etc. No animals were harmed in the making of these bibes....... Well unless you count Rauru....... In that case, yes he was harmed......... Very, very badly.  


  
*  


  
A lady is applying powder to my face as I examine my nails and chew on bubble gum.  
  
Jasmine: *New York accent, talking like Fran Dreschire from The Nanny...... You know, the annoying lady with the big poofy hair?!?!* Oye vey, they don't pay me enough for this. My hair has permanent drool damage now from that whack whale!!!!!! I told my agent I can't play a judge but would he listen? NOOOO!!!!! He promised I'd be the judge in the divorce trials of Tom Cruis and Nicole Kidman! Did that ever happen? NOOOOO -   
  
Cameraman: Uh we're on the air, Jasmine.....  
  
Jasmine: *Looking up into the camera with a surprsied look and my gum falls out of my mouth* O.O...... O YES OF COURSE WE ARE! Ha ha wasn't that a funny skit?!? Had you fooled huh? * *Talking all normal now, I push the makeup lady away and she screams as she falls to the ground. I fluff my hair* WELL now before my ruling do either of you have anything to say?   
  
Ruto: I do, your Honor........ Link, what are you doing this Saturday?   
  
Link: o.O Huh? You're suing me REMEMBER?! You called me a blonde bimbo gold digger!!!!!  
  
Ruto: Hehe. So what's your point? Will it be your place or mine?   
  
Link: How about you go to the Dark Realm and maybe I'll met you there later.......... Or never.......  
  
Ruto: Ok the Dark Realm it is then!   
  
Link: -_-  
  
Jasmine: Oooo K. With that said, my ruling is in favor of the defendant! Ruto gets NADA and has to sign a restraining order to stay five feet away from Link at all times!  
  
Link: YEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAA!!!  
  
Ruto: NOOOOOOSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAA!!!  
  
Jasmine: Yup.   
  
Ruto: But....... HE STOLE MY ZORA'S STONE!!!!!! Can't I at least make him marry me? COME ON, its only fair!!!!!!   
  
Jasmine: Nope. He had his fingers crossed when he agreed to marry you, correcto? Well, under Hyrule Law Code 52876, it states that all finger crossing during a verbal agreement will make a pact invalid........ Hmmm nifty little law huh?  
  
Link: *Starts dancing around* BOOOYYYAAAAA!!!!!!! In yo face, Ruto! O YA! Whose the master? I AM! DA DA DA DA DA!!!!!!!!!!   
  
Jasmine: _..... Shut up. Now your just making yourself look bad and I might have to reverse my decision, making Ruto have to stay within five feet of you at all times.   
  
Link: @_@ Mommy! I so so so sorries!!!!!!!   
  
Jasmine: That's ok......... Now this court room is adjourned! Please see the two people out........ B.S!  
  
B.S.: (OoO) THAT'S IT!!!! YOU'RE SO GONNA PAY WITH YOUR LIFE, JUDGE NINCOMPOOP!!!!!!! *The Bailiff holds up his nightstick and starts chasing me around the room*  
  
Jasmine: I order you to stop, Bailiff!!!! *He runs faster* EEPERS!!!! I'm gonna die - and just when I thought I was all-powerful too! Someone HELP!!!!!!!!!!!! ;o;  
  
Link and Ruto watch on, snickering.   
  
Suddenly Bailif Steve runs head first into a doorframe and crumbles down onto the floor.   
  
Jasmine: *Looking at him* Owie............... That's a load of B.S. if I ever saw any!!!! AHAHAHAHA get it? GET IT?!?! ....... Ahhhhh well, I shouldn't quit my day job just yet. Until tomorrow folks, Hyrule Court is officially out of session!  
  


*  
  


Closing Notes:  
  
What you think? Funny? Not funny? I wanna hear your opinions to make this better! Please be kind though, after all it's not as easy as it looks to think up funny little jokes and gags. ( A guy with black hair in the last row says "Yes it is". I HATE YOU!!!!!! LEAVE MY THEATER NOW!!!!!!!) Thanks for taking the time to read! Can you take just one more minute out of your day and review this fic? Pretty pretty please!  
  


*  
  
**Poll:**  
  
What could I do to improve this fic?  
  
A) Nothing!! It's too sucky to save!!  
  
B) Add some more randomness  
  
C) Romance! Every story needs a lil sap!! ^_^  
  
D) Nothing!! It's great just the way it is!!  
  
E) More of Bob!!! Yes, Bob is a my God! LONG LIVE JELL-O!!!  



	2. Chapter Two: The Not So Real World

Authors Notes: This is my second humor chapter. Its rather long and its Real World related! Yay! 

Disclaimer: 

       I own nada! Well...... *Starts to empty out pockets* I do own a piece of spearmint gum, an I.O.U. for the piece of gum that says by the year 2005 I will officially have made off all my payments totaling 5 cents and will officially own my piece of gum, a rubber duckie (I carry it for..... bath emergencies! o.O), and a lint ball that looks like Elvis but in his fat years.  

Hyrule TV Shows 

By The J - Miester

Chapter Two: The Not-So-Real World Meet The Geeks - 

A blonde young man is sitting in the confessional, smiling winningly. He looks handsome..... *swoon, faint, melt, etc., etc.* 

Link: Yo, world! It's Link, Hero of Time, here. So not much has happened since I saved the world, twice. Anyone remember that?..... *Looks around for some congrats, smiles, hand shakes..... anything.....*

Long pause.

Cameraman: Uh no. Keep it moving blondie, you're wasting film.

Link: *Smiles and nods again* Oh ok no biggie. Well since then I went back to living in my tree house even though I'm eight-freakin-teen and lived off my Hero's pension for a while. I did have my dark days I admit, for awhile I had a bad drug habit and got high off of faerie dust, you wouldn't think it but there is a big pixie drug ring going on, that's why they are always hyped up and talking a mile a minute. I hit my lowest point when I was so gone one night that I relieved myself on the poor Deku Tree... Then I had my downfall; no I mean I actually fell. Down. In my own pee. 

Clip shows of Link urinating on said tree and then collapsing in giggles on the ground before passing out. We witness Navi kicking him a few times, taking the rest of his money, and then darting off. 

Link: Saria found me the next morning and put me in Pixie Dust Anonymous, finally I kicked my habit and I am happy to announce I have been clean for... *looks at watch* two hours now. I am ready to start living my life and experiencing all this world has to offer! Like hot chicks! Hope there are some in the house...... *Eyes glaze over and looks off happily*

~

A pale haired beauty is sitting in the booth dressed in a dusty blue gown and looking noble.

Zelda: Hello and good day, my fair kingdom. It is I, Princess Zelda, and I would like to announce that I am officially a cast member of the Real World. That means for six months I will abandon my governing duties to my council and live a taped existence. I would just like to make the statement that I..... I..... *Squints and furrows brow* Your thumb is blocking the cue card, Gary. 

Gary: *muffled* O whoopsies, sorry milday.

Zelda: *Sighs* That's ok. Guards, to jail with him.

Guards take Gary away as he screams and kicks. 

Gary: O mother of Bob! I didn't mean it, honest! Not jail, anything but jail! It's..... cold! ;-;

Zelda: As I was saying, I plan to act responsible and be the pillar of morals in the house. 

A clip of Zelda in various staged positions ensues; the Princess giving a bowl of soup to a 'homeless person' (Impa in rags), reading a book to an 'orphan' (Impa dressed in a girl's bare nightgown and sitting on Zelda's lap, practically crushing her), and talking to Mother Theresa (Obviously a picture with Zelda's image placed in it as well as Impa, making bunny ears behind Zelda's head).  

Zelda: *Talking into tape recorder* Note to self, tell Impa 'bunny ears' are not appropriate and then have her thrown in the dungeons for a week. *Looks back into camera and plasters on a smile* Ahem. I will weigh my actions because I am well aware that every move I make is a judgment on my people and as a political figure I plan to hold true to my beliefs. Overall I feel my performance....... I mean experience, will be well worth it and enriching.*Whispering to self* Nice save, Zelda. I'd be in so much trouble if anyone ever found out I'm going on RW as a PR move. Lucky for me, the public are all fat and stupid. *Looks into camera and then pulls out tape recorder* 0.0 Not to self: make sure inner monologue goes on in my head and not out loud. 

~

Next up is a pretty red head in the confessional, wearing a cowboy hat and chewing a piece of grass.

Malon: Why, howdy y'all! I'm Malon, daughter of the Lon Lon Ranch owner; y'all have probably seen him sleeping on your front steps. ^^;; Anyways I'm just your average cow girl, I like nature and working outdoors. My life since the days when that Ganon- sidewinder was defeated haven't changed all that much, I still help run the ranch and ride my horses 'till the cows come home. For a while we were having trouble with the Cuccos, the silly chickens were attackin' people and killin all the old folks! 

Clip shows of chickens attacking town, a man is helping an old woman carry her groceries when they see the horde of Cuccos and he drops the bags, pushing the elderly lady down and running over her. She is promptly swallowed by the pecking herd. 

Malon: At first no one minded...... because well, they're old people! But then prune juice manufacturers had less business so they made us round up all the Cuccos. So now we are facing some lawsuits by a few false teeth companies and them city slicker folks but nothin' too bad. I just wanted to come on here and have some toe tappin' good times off the farm! I'm probably going to look like such a cow poker compared to these intellectual types but I'm just going to be myself and hope it works out. Like my momma use to say before that accident when my poppa fell asleep on her, "Don't count your cows before they go in one basket." ...... She wasn't right in the head....... 

~

The next confessional is...... an empty chair?!? 

Anonymous Creepy Voice: *Far away* NO, YOU DOLT!!! It's a mysterious voice, belonging to a hidden creature of the shadows!!! Jeezum, you screwed that all up....   ;.;

Author: Uh sorry, ok well the next confessional is a hidden figure. (There is an empty chair, just so you can picture it......) Is that better?

A.C.V.: Muchly! MUAHAHAHAHA..... *cough cough hack hack* HA! I am the shadow person who remains in..... the..... shadows. o_O Maybe I should have used Zelda's idea and gotten my dialogue scripted. Any ol' way, I am a creature of the night.....

Suddenly a cloaked figured runs from one side of the gray backdrop to the other and again hides off camera.

A.C.V.: Dun a dun.... A figure of your nightmares.....

The mysterious person runs back to the other side and hides behind the background curtain. 

A.C.V.: Dun dun dun...... An evil, evil guy!

Then the gray fabric suddenly falls down and a man falls with it, wrapped up in the backdrop. Now it is really obvious it is Ganondorf, sprawled out on the ground. He gets up blushing and rubs his butt.

A.C.V.: Ouchies! My tooshie! 

He goes to sit down on the chair gently and looks into the camera again.

Ganon: I am SO the master of good entrances! Well as you can tell I am still the King of bleepin Darkness, after Link supposedly 'defeated' me, my days as Hyrule's ruler were over. I went back to living in Gerudo Death Valley and governing them, though the huge pay decline was something I couldn't get use to and I blew all my money on swanky carriages, new threads, and child support for all my thousands of offspring. Pretty soon I was broke and had to sell my bazillion dollar mansion, for a while Nab let me stay with her, she and I have grown really close if you catch my drift. *Wink wink nudge nudge* I also began to realize my true passion: music. I went into the studio and started making tracks; soon I was playing at all the Gerudo lounges and became a really hot act.

Footage runs of Ganondorf singing in a sequined gold jacket to Michael Jackson's "Smooth Criminal". The thieves are all booing him and throwing daggers at his head as he finishes and takes a long bow, blowing kisses to the crowd. 

Ganon: My life feels as if it's on track for the first time in years. I haven't given up my evil ways, believe me, I still like the occasional Princess-naping, but I can also sing a mean version of Maria Carey's "Emotion" as well. I entered RW because I want to see the old gang and have some laughs as I attempt to slit Link's throat a few more times. This will be like a fun reunion, I can tell...... O yea and on October 24th I play at the 'Sand In My Crack Club', doing my rendition of "You Don't Bring Me Flowers Anymore" so don't miss it! 

~

A tan skinned woman is next and she is sitting in the confessional room, using a rapier to file her nails. 

Nabooru: Well I really don't need to introduce myself, after all you can probably recognize me from the security camera footage of me breaking into your house late at night and stealing every valuable item you own, but my name's Nabooru. I am still the REAL ruler over the Gerudos even though I let Ganondorf think he is just so he won't throw one of his tantrums and cause a seen, with me as leader my people have really prospered. We've started a used goods store in the market and have made a lot of profit. 

A clip of a masked woman with a red ponytail running over to a carriage and holding the driver at knifepoint is seen. The woman makes the man get out of the wagon and lay down, his face to the ground, then she gets in it and drives away. The clip is quickly cut short and we return to Nabooru in the confessional holding a film reel. She is burning it with a match. 

Nabooru: You didn't see anything you hear me! Nobody didn't steal no carriage, you got that? 

Author: T_T Sooooo...... somebody did steal a carriage then. 

Nabooru: *Rolls eyes and gets sarcastic* OoOoO lookie me, I'm the 'author' and I went to 'school' and can 'read'! Wowie, I'm smart!

Author: You can't read!? *Evil look and shifty eyes* Bawhahaha! *Types away on laptop* Nabooru smells like Ganon's old gym socks and Link's cap that he never removes to wash!

Nabooru: *Blink*

Author: Awww, well now it's no fun to make fun of her when she doesn't even know. Continue. (Yippee!!! Two of the same words in the same sentence! JANGA!!!) 

Nabooru: Ganon still lives with me even though I'm pretty sure he isn't bankrupt anymore and could afford his own place. He is always leaving his underwear around (Tightie whities for the sickos who like to know...) and leaves his red hair in my brush; I can't take it any more. Plus what's up with his singing? Holy moly, I've heard cats with better vocal cords then him! The real reason I signed up for the Real World was to get some time away from Ganondorf but he joined too, blast it all. I may just kill him if he goes into one more chorus of "Pretty Woman", that would be a real ratings spike huh.  

~

The next cast member is the one and only fish girl, Ruto. She is sitting with her legs crossed and batting her eyelashes like the ham she is. 

Ruto: Hello, all you little people out there! You may know me as the Princess of the Zoras..... Ruto...... a perfect Goddess..... Link's fiancée....... Number 17 on any sushi menu. I have decided to do Real World as a generous act to allow all my humble subjects out there to get to know the real me. The caring, loving, beautiful, sensitive person I am really behind this title.

Clips run of Ruto kicking a dog in the market square, stalking Link in the bushes, and 'stealing' a lollipop from a baby. (Baby: Wahhh!! Take lolli.... Please go aways. I give you anything; just go aways, smelly lady.)

It returns to show Ruto beating the director to a pulp. 

Ruto: How... dare.... you! That wasn't even my good side! 

Director: Meep! My spleen! @_@

Ruto: *Looks up and sees the camera is focused on her, sweatdrops* Uh technical difficulties? Ya that's it, and I'd like the copy of this tape after. *Sits back down* Anyway, I also granted you all the great gift of seeing my pretty face on your televisions because I heard that that little blonde bimbo, Zelda, was going to be on RW too. I just know she is going to try to get with MY Link so I have to be there to prevent her from taking MY MAN! I've been practicing some martial arts techniques to use against Robo-Princess and since I am in a kind mood, I will demonstrate some of them for you right now. Sensei Wachoo?

Director: Bless you.

Ruto: -_- No you idiot, that's my Sensei's name. 

A very serious looking Japanese man comes out and he holds a board of wood up to Ruto. She takes a moment to clear her head and harness her 'chi' when finally she uses her hand to slice foreword.

Ruto: AAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!! *Hits board and nothing happens for a moment. Then Ruto splits in half and curls to floor.* !_!

Sensei: Aaww, fisha rollas. *Takes out his chopsticks*

~

The last contestant is Rauru, the plump sage and everyone's favorite walking-inside-joke.

Rauru: Hiya, everyone! Well I bet you've all been wondering what I've been up to lately huh? *Crickets chirp from far off and a pin can be heard as it drops.* ......... Weeeeellllllssssssss! I've been doing a lot of stuff since I helped that blonde cutie and the Pretty Pretty Princess get rid of that mean, old badie guy. I eat mostly, anything really, but I don't cook often, because I've been asked not to by the Hyrule Fire Department. Well really....... I've been ordered by law and risk of imprisonment. 

Clip of Rauru trying to cook a turkey is his oven (Plastic wrapper and everything), wearing a cute floral apron, and then another clip of the market burning to a crisp and people running and screaming.  

Rauru: ^^;; Anyways! I eat..... breath...... eat...... breath some more...... and when I'm not breathing, I eat...... o.O Ok so it's pretty boring around the temple! I've been trying to spice stuff up by making up this fun game where I think up cute names for all the clerics and I think its going well. 

Another film shows of a brown robed bald man, named Robert, walking through the courtyard, being 'stalked' by Rauru. (Rauru: *Talking like the Copy Machine Guy from SNL* Hey it's the Rob-inator, the brown robed fiend, the Robster, the big man..... Robert: Please stop doing that Rauru. Rauru: Sure, Robby Robster, Roooobbbb-iiitttt, Holy Man..... Robert: -__- *Starts to run.*) 

Rauru: They really enjoy it. So much so that they submitted me to Real World without me even knowing and told me they were bringing me to the Big Wheel O' Cheese Store and really took me here! I was so surprised, I felt really loved! *Starts to do impression of that woman.... who cried? I can't remember, sorry.* You like me, you really like me!  O ya.... And also this will give me a chance to publicly shoot down all the gossip claiming I'm gay! In fact, I am not at all gay, that robe I wear is not a DRESS, and I have no feelings towards Link! *Looks at author and squeals* O my Goodness, is that a Dolce and Gabbana dress? Divine! 

~

To The House We Go, Hi Ho, Hi Ho - 

So now that we've met our mental patients, i.e. cast members, let's throw 'em all together and see who survives the longest! Mua hahahahahahaha! (Ganon: OoOo impressive! How come I didn't think of that when I was trying to get rid of the green freak and the bratty royal? Author: Not everyone can be as evil as mui, it's a gift. ^ - ^)  

~

Zelda is waiting at a carriage stop, pacing back and forth and glancing at her wristwatch irately. 

Zelda: They are five minutes behind schedule, this is very unacceptable! Someone's going to jail for this.... *Looks around to see an old man crossing the street.* Guards, seize that man and put him in the dungeons! 

Big guys run out from the bushes and grab the little aged fellow as he drops his cane to the ground.

Old Man: O bejeezum! Please don't do this; I've been a law-abiding citizen for seventy-five years! I worked at an orphanage, ran a puppy rescue in my back yard, I mined a quarry to feed the hungry Gorons during the great Rock Scare of '79, I never jaywalked, and never even ripped off any of those 'Do not remove' tags from the sides of mattresses! 

Zelda: *Yawns* Do not question the decisions of royalty. 

Old Man: *Guards drag him off* Gah! Me kidney! 

\\

Zelda: *On videotape in confessional* Some people would say I'm cold-hearted and unable to have any real human emotion..... *She looks as if she's trying to concentrate really hard and finally her lips rise just a little bit. Then she looks just as straight-faced as before.* See, **there**, I was smiling. Do cold-hearted people smile? I don't think so! 

//

They drag the poor man off and then we see a wagon finally rolling very slowly down the road, a beaming Rauru sitting in the back and the side he's on is sagging almost to the ground. 

Rauru: O gosh, Zelda! How you doing, girlfriend? 

\\

Zelda: Rauru... *Shivers* I cannot say I am particularly fond of the man; it was my idea to shove him into that temple in the first place and keep him out of Hyrule. Its not bad enough I had to deal with him all those seven years and his silly games. *Imitates Rauru's high-pitched voice.* 'Guess what color toe nail polish this is! Guess, guessssssss!'  

She pulls out a checklist.

Zelda: Ah I was happy and sarcastic in one day. That'll show all those people who say I'm inhuman and an Ice Queen! Ha! *Checks another one off of her emotions list.* Yippee, smugness too! 

// 

Zelda: Must I remind you I am not your friend Rauru? I thought that restraining order to keep you from entering my head and dreams was enough of a sign to stay away from me! 

Rauru: *Giggles* Silly Willy, you can't get rid of me that easily!

Zelda: *Sigh* Apparently not. I have taken the initiative to having my servants deliver my suitcases to the new house, seeing as how in my infinite wisdom I knew you'd be late and we would not have time to load up all my luggage. 

Driver: Can we move dis along girly. Fat man back der is not makin dis an easy trip, jus pray my horse don' fall down dead. (Why does he have a strange Cajun accent? *Wiggles fingers and raises eyebrows* You'll never know! Doo doo doo!)  

Zelda: Fine. *Sits in carriage and they start on their way. The Princess tries to make 'small talk' with Rauru.* So Sage, what are your thoughts on the economic force of the Hylian's compared to the trade resources of the Zora's? 

Rauru: *Looking at Zelda's earrings* OoOo shiny! *_*

Zelda: *Sighs again* Right, shiny. *Stops trying to have a conversation and looks out window.*

They arrive at the swanky pad and go to check it out. Everything's bright colors and modern looking, there is of course a hot tub as well. 

Rauru: *Jumping up and down on a bed* Weeee! I call this mattress! 

Zelda: -_- You don't call a mattress, Rauru, you call dibs on a ROOM.

Rauru: o.O But I just want the mattress... It's springy...

Zelda: Well its all yours, I don't think anyone's going to fight you for the mattress... *Under her breath* I so wish there wasn't that 'No Jailing' clause in MTV's permission forms.  

Rauru: *As he bounces* Yayyyyyyy! We're in the house, we're in the house, we're in the house, we're in the house, we're...

Suddenly the mattress gives out and Rauru falls. In fact, there is a hole in the floor! He gets stuck half way and starts screaming and flailing his arms. 

Rauru: Someone help me, someone help me, someone help me, someone help me, someone help me, someone help me, someone help me, someone help me...

~   

Next up is Link who is meeting his arrival buddy at a carriage stop as well. 

Link: *Walking and singing happily* Hot chicks, hot chicks, hot chicks, hot.....

He goes around a corner to see Ganon sitting on a bench, waiting for their carriage. 

Link: Ack! That's the UGLIEST chick I've ever seen! O wait, that's no chick, that's Ganondorkus! 

\\

Link: At first I was all like.... Whoa dude, that's one hella ugly female... Then I was like... Whoa dude, that's a dude! Then I thought... Wouldn't that be funny if he was a chick? Like... he wore a dress and stuff.... *Laughs like Beavis and Butthead* That would be funny.... Ganon with boobies... 

Link: *Stops laughing and there is a long pause. There is a distant, vacant look in his eyes.* What was I saying again? O ya, boobies. ^_____^

//

Ganon: *Rolls eyes* Good observation, Sherlock. I guess we were made to be traveling buddies, by some sicko power-hungry MTV guy who has a weird perverted sense of irony.... And are you saying I would make an ugly woman? ;-; That was uncalled for. Everyone at Ms Drag USA says I'd make a beautiful woman! 

Link: Dude, you do drag? I always knew there was something funny about you, surrounded by all those hott babes and never banging one... And then there was that time I saw you trying on Nab's high heels. 

Ganon: No, I sang there! I'm very popular among the drag queen population. And I do so 'bang' them; I have the child support bills to prove it! And I already told you, I was just stretching them out for her!

Link: Uh....... Ok? We may not be friends but I think we should at least try to get along; after all we will be living in the house for six months. AFTER we leave we can go back to plotting each other's demises.

Ganon: Hmmm and the blonde airhead actually makes sense. 

Link: _ Hey a word of advice, if we are going to get along, making fun of me will not help the situation.

Ganon: Point taken... The carriage isn't here yet so to kill time I think I'll give you and the viewing audience a sneak peak at my upcoming show lineup by singing "Do You Believe" by Cher...

Ganon starts to sing and Link covers ears at the horrible sound. 

Link: Hey, I have an even better idea, lets go back to hating each other. Yes hate is better, much much better! 

The carriage pulls up in the nick of time and they board it. 

Link: I can't wait to meet the ladies of the house! Dude, bro, MTV always has the HOTTEST chicks!

Ganon: I'm sure you've met them before, after all there are only around five women who would actually be selected for this because all the others in Hyrule are... well.... never seen. 

Link: O.... Yea.... I bet there will be Zelda, she's a babe. Malon too and I'm hoping the Goddesses finally answered my prayers and Ruto has been killed in a freak Cuccos attack. Then Nabooru...

Ganon: Hey! Don't even get any ideas about MY Nabby; I am finally so close to getting her to agree to go out with me. 

\\

Ganon: At first I was really angry that Link would be on RW, never mind be MY arrival partner! But then after I got into the third chorus of "Do You Believe" I realized that maybe it wouldn't be so bad... Of course that could be the lack of air to my brain at that point, but I was starting to think maybe Link wasn't all that bad. I also realized Link must really enjoy my singing, I know I'll be an asset to the group... Then when he brought up Nabooru, I got really REALLY mad! She's MY she-man desert warrior, not his! If he so much as flirts with her I will go after Zelda, the one we ALL know he loves, with all my charm. No girl can resist my sensual voice; it's just a matter of time before the Princess falls for me..... *Twiddles fingers like Mr. Burns* Excellent, excellent. 

//

Link: Haven't you asked her out about a hundred times already?

Ganon: :( A hundred and three... SO? What's your point blondie? 

Link: You have no game, Ganondweeb! Don't worry, now that we are buddies I can show you how the Link Master works his magic on the ladies! 

Ganon: There are so many things wrong with that statement. A) I do too have game; every woman loves the sweet and caring singer/artist. B) GANONDWEEB?! Bah! C) LINK MASTER?! Bah squared! D) Aren't you the one who has been chasing Zelda since you were kids and she always turns you down? E) There is no E. 

Link: *Dazes out* Um 'D'? The answer is 'none of the above'? *Ganon gives him a weird look and he snaps out of it.* O oops sorry. Zelda is coming around though, don't you worry. If she is living in the house then I predict we will hook up by the end of the six months.     

They arrive at the house just then and start to go in it. The walk around before entering a room to see Zelda trying to lift Rauru up from a flattened mattress.

Link: Z my girl! Hey, Rauru too! Awesome! What's up?

\\

Link: Awesome! Zelda and Rauru are our roomies! This is going to be a kick butt season; I wanna share a room with my Z! Then you viewers will get to see a real love master in action if you know what I mean.... *Lights suddenly dim, Barry Manilo begins to play. Link grabs out a breath spray and sprays some in his mouth before gagging.* O cough cough, hack hack. And cough some more. Ewie what is this stuff? *Looks at label and eyes go wide.* HAIRSPRAY! No wonder my hair has been smelling so minty lately! 

//  

Zelda: Please refrain from calling me 'Z my girl' or I'll have to throw you into the dungeons again. And this time Impa's not here to bail you out!

\\

Zelda: *Wrinkles nose.* I really hoped Link wouldn't be in the house. He's always calling me 'Z my girl' and 'sugar lips'. Ah I guess it's to be expected from a guy who skipped puberty. I plan to stay as far away from him as possible..... And he smells like a big mint. 

// 

Zelda: Nothing's up at all, and when I say nothing I mean it literally. I need help getting Rauru's fat rear up; he was jumping on the mattress and broke it.

Rauru: !_! I only wanted to be like the little boy from 'Home Alone'..... 

Zelda: What little boy? You mean the one you ate last month?

McCauley Culkin: *From Rauru's tummy, muffled.* Ahhh let me outta here, you filthy stinkin' animal!

Rauru: @_@ It was an accident, he fell into that vat of warm melted butter and then my mouth, I swear...  

Link: Rauru, you broke the floor again! This is the second time this month, no wonder that construction worker follows you around everywhere! *Link points to some random guy leaning against the kitchen counter, munching on a sandwich, and wearing a hard hat.*****

Construction guy: Hey, the money I make offa that guy's put my five kids through college! Tubby boy here is my freakin angel.

Link: *Sigh* Here, I guess I'll help you. 

Link grabs Rauru's hand and starts to pull.

Rauru: I..... think.... its working... I.... feel... something.... *BUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPP* 

Zelda: *From a safe distance, behind a lead wall* Well that was predictable.

Rauru: I don't remember that on the way down....

Link flies backwards from the momentum of Rauru's burp.

Link: Dude, that was the most disgusting thing ever. I need to go take a shower. A really, really long one. Preferably in choleric acid.

Rauru: Sor'y. ^#_#^ It mighta been from those beans I ate.... or the gallon of soda.... or those burritos... or that Mexican guy... 

Zelda: May I remind you that you are stuck in a **floor**...

Rauru: O ya... WAHHHHHHHHHH! I'M STUCK IN A FLOOR! 

Zelda: Hm lets try something that uses more mind power and less brute force. Butter may be able to free you.

\\

Link: Ok guys, I'm going to let you in on 'plan two - Banging Zelda'. I figure if I act mean to her she'll totally be all over me! I mean, look at all those other Real World seasons; the people who fight the most **always** end up hooking up! Girls always dig a bad ass; it's a proven fact.

Looks off into space.

Link: What was a saying again? O ya, ass. ^_____^

//

Link: *Crosses arms and rolls eyes. Talks in high pitch voice.* "Blah blah blah. I think I'm so smarty-er and use big words, like 'force', because I'm a stupid head Princess. Blah blah blah. Let me walk around in my uptight dress, wiggling my little butt. Teasing.... Tight...... Hot.......... Really hot............." 

Zelda: 0.o

Link: I mean, um, you're stupid! 

\\

Link: *Smiling proudly* I **am** the master!

//

Zelda: So anyway..... Just let me put this on you.

Zelda applies butter to Rauru.

Rauru: *Giggling* Hee hee, thash tickles!

Zelda: Ok now let me go wipe my hands and I'll be back in a minute to help push.

::.::Minute later::.::

Zelda: Ok so – HEY WHERE'D THE BUTTER GO?

Rauru: *Golden goop all around his lips, speaking with a full mouth* Ah donsh knosh. 

Zelda: YOU ATE IT! Ew, Rauru, it was butter! That's like sick. Link, why didn't you stop him?

Link: A_A It was funny......

Zelda: My IQ just went down 10 points. I'm going to go read and hopefully regain some of the smart you guys made me loose.

Rauru: But whata bout me!?

Zelda: You're screwed, may the Goddesses have mercy on your soul. 

Zelda leaves. 

Rauru: ^^;; Would you believe its water weight?

Ganon: Only if you drank Lake Hylia. 

Link: Ah well, lets go check out the other rooms!

Everyone runs out of the room to check out the rest of the house, leaving Rauru alone.

Rauru: Uh.... Guys? The springs hurt my tooshie.... ;~; 

~

Ruto is hanging out beside the lake and she looks very bored. 

Ruto: *Sees a Zora man with his son.* You there, amuse me! Dance!

Man: Wha? But Princess... 

Ruto: I SAID DANCE! *Clap clap*

Man starts to dance awkwardly and Ruto claps. 

Ruto: *Yawn* I am already bored with you, that is enough. 

Then she spots a carriage approaching in the distance and Nabooru driving it. 

\\

Ruto: My first thoughts were... 'This has to be Link, the MTV people will definitely put us together.' 'Did Link color his hair red?' 'Did Link grow his hair longer?' 'Has Link undergone a surgery and is now a female?' 'O Drat, it isn't Link!' 'Note to self: Get each MTV staff member to 'mysteriously' disappear.'.... After that I started to worry about getting along with other women, even though I am such a great and sweet person, other girls tend to get jealous of me because they want to be me. The only friends I've ever had were the ones my father hired to hang around with me.... Until they killed themselves, I lost many Rent-A-Friends that way.... They drowned themselves and left notes that usually read 'We just couldn't take it anymore... No more... Dancing... Please no more...'... I personally think Malon and her square dancing had something to do with it.... It's sad, well it WOULD be if I cared.

// 

Nabooru stops the wagon and glares at Ruto.

Nabooru: I knew I wasn't going to like this...

\\

Nabooru: I REALLY don't like this. Ruto is my travel partner; I'm filled with so much joy. Except not... Can't say I was surprised though, knowing how twisted and evil the MTV people can be. I'm sure they want me to carve Ruto into a fish filet huh? *Thinks for a minute.* That's not a bad idea... Besides, I'm hungry and the next McDonald's is a whole block away.

//

Ruto: Nabooru, so great to see you again! 

Nabooru: *Wrinkles nose.* What smells?

Ruto: ^^;; Me. I was in the sun so long I started to cook. He he. Don't you just hate when that happens? You wanna help me with my bags? 

 Nabooru: Not really but I will. *Gets out to see a suitcase by the Zora's feet.* This one?

Ruto: O no, those. *Points to a towering stack of luggage.*

Nabooru: Holy Din! You've got to be kidding me! What you pack, your entire kingdom including Jabu Jabu?

Ruto: Of course not, just some things such as beauty supplies, things for entertainment, my mirror collection, clothes...

Nabooru: But you don't even wear clothes...

Ruto: Your point?

Nabooru: -_- Never mind lets just start loading these things up...

::.::Five hours later::.::

Ruto: *Sitting back, 'supervising' and drinking a lemonade.* Phew! Finally done! There, was that really so bad?  

Nabooru: *In heap on floor.* Yes... So... very... very... bad....

Ruto: K LETS GET GOING! YAY! 

Nabooru crawls into the carriage and they start to drive off. 

Ruto: Wow, this is b-o-r-r-e-i-n-n-g... Uh, I guess I really shoulda paid more attention to my personal tutors... Well you know what I meant, I'm bored! Hmm let's play a game! Let's see how many good qualities we can name about me! 1 – My outgoing attitude...

Nabooru: I am not playing that game, its dumb.

Ruto: Yes you are, I'm a Princess and you're not so you gotta! Naa naa! :P

Nabooru: All right fine. 2 – Your IQ level is the same as an old tennis shoe...

Ruto: ....................... *Thinks for 5 minutes* O HEY! WERE YOU MAKING FUN OF ME?!

Nabooru: Um yes.

Ruto: ....... Aaaa! Wrong answer, the correct answer is 2 – My feet are really small. Now onto number three... ^_^ 

Nabooru face faults and they pull up to the house just then. They run in, leaving Ruto's bags for later. 

Ruto: Wooooo! Let the party start, I am here. 

Link: *Really flat* O yay, it's Ruto.

Ganondorf: *Whispers under breath.* Warning - Do not look directly at the fish; doing so may cause your eyeballs to explode and turn into fiery chunks of coal in their sockets.  

Link: Ha ha! Snap, buddy! *High fives.*

Zelda: Since when did you guys become such good friends? What happened to the mortal enemies we all know and loved? 

Ganondorf: Psh that was so five minutes ago. Until I try to take over the kingdom again or steal you we're best buddies! 

Rauru: *Still stuck in mattress heap.* GUYS! IS THAT YOU? O GODDESSES! I WAS SO SCARED; I THOUGHT YOU ALL WOULD NEVER COME BACK AND LEFT ME FOR GOOD...

Nabooru: o.O But we never even left, idiot...

Rauru: ^^;; O... My hinnies starting to chafe. Will someone rub lotion on it?

Unison: EWWWWWWW! NO!!!!!!!!

~        

Malon shows up at the house. She had no arrival buddy because she was the odd man out and well... I just don't like her. ^-^;;

Malon: Hey ya'll! 

Nabooru: Hey Malon.

Malon: O my gawd! This house is so big! And it's got all these city slicker, high techy stuff, like this thingy here. *Stares at the ice cube maker on the refrigerator.*

Link: Malon, even I know that's just an icemaker and I live in a tree. The Deku has one; you'd be surprised, he lives pretty well for a guy with roots. See, you press this lever here and presto neato. 

Malon: *Cowers behind Link* Ice? In summer? What kinda black magic is this ya'll! Next thing ya'll tell me is that there really aren't little people in my television. 

Link: Um well there aren't. Those are just images from electrons... Or something like that. *Shrug* I flunked science.

Malon: Wha? 

Link: Never mind. Look, this thing blows out hot wind! *Pulls out hair drier from suitcase and hands it to Malon to distract her for awhile.*

Malon: Ooooo! O_O 

~

Nabooru is lugging her stuff through the hallways, trailed by a giddy Ganon.

Ganondorf: Oh oh I got another one! What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic! Hahahaha! Get it?

Nabooru: Yes, Ganon, I do. I also got it the first time you said it, and the second, and the fourth, and the fifth. There was a reason all the three surrounding rows around us on the plane were empty.

Ganondorf: Weeeelllllll... I didn't want to say anything but your breath is a little less than minty fresh if ya know what I mean. I'd still make sweet passionate love to you though...

Nabooru: "_" No, you idiot! Because you wouldn't shut up! Ganondorf: O! I get it now! Well consider me a mime then! =X 

Nabooru: Good, now go get lost in some invisible box or something. *Opens a door to a room with red walls* I'm calling this room!

Ganondorf: *Runs and belly flops on bed* O bouncy! I like it.

Nabooru: That's good but its mine so go bounce on your own bed.

Ganondorf: What's the big deal? There's another bed right there...

Nabooru: O.o Wait a minute, another bed? As in – sharing a room? NO WAY! I came on RW to get away from you, freak, not to be trapped in a small confined area with you!

Ganondorf: I get it; you don't want to be tempted by my manly goodness huh? Its ok, I get that all the time..... Mostly when I do shows at the elderly home. Those old farts love them some Ganon....

Nabooru: Ewwww, Ganon! And I left you alone with my nana for a whole day, you skeevy perv! 

Ganon: It's not my fault I'm dead sexy! *Looks at the quilt Nabooru's grandma made her that she's unpacking from her suitcase.* Ah, there were some good times on that quilt.   

Nabooru: Ahhhhhhh! *Throws blanket across room* Must.... kill.... images.... in my head. *Runs to bathroom to bore her eyes out.*

~

Zelda is in a room; her redecorator is looking at it and getting a 'vibe'.

Decorator: I see... lots of mango! Just everywhere, lots of lime! This room screams to me and you know what it says? 

Link walks in just then and isn't buying the whole decorator mumbo-jumbo.

Link: "I feel like a fruit"? 

Zelda: _ Stop mocking Mousier Francisco! And why do you even care? This is my room...

Link: Correction - **our** room. We're roomies! =D Yay! Imagine all the late night hours we'll spend together just sharing girl talk, brushing each other's hair, and occasionally having naked pillow fights!  

\\

Zelda: Ahhhhh! Link... is... my roommate? I don't want to live! I just know he'll try all sorts of sexual advances on me, spy on me in the shower, and use all my hairspray! Yup, I def want to die.

//

\\

Link: O ya, she wants me

//

Zelda: Will someone shoot me? Anyone? *Sigh* Ok Mousier I guess I won't be needing your services anymore.

Decorator: Well I never! Fine, if you don't want my hot, luscious melon balls wallpaper and my sweet, tangy lemon heads pillows then good riddance! 

He storms off.

Zelda: Is it just me or did that sound extremely dirty?  
  


Link: Tee hee! He said 'balls'.

Zelda: -_- Yes, yes he did. Ok, Link, if we **have** to room together I think we should set up some boundaries ok? I'll draw a line with this piece of chalk... that I mysteriously had in my pocket... that mysteriously appeared on my dress... and divide our room evenly. 

Zelda starts drawing.

Zelda: Ok... Everything on this side is mine... And everything over here is yours.

Link: But, you just drew a circle around me!

There is a chalk circle just around Link's feet.  

Zelda: O so I did! Well rules are rules, Link. If you want to be my roomie, I need my personal space.

Link: But how will I sleep!?

Zelda: Jeesh, standing, der! If you wanna be a baby about it maybe you should just share with Ruto...

Link: No standings fine, standings good! But... can I at least go to the bathroom?

Zelda: *Already laying on her bed and reading. She tosses him an empty soda bottle* Here, have fun.    

~

Hot Tub Anyone? - 

Ruto: Hey guys, lets all get nakkied and get in that Jacuzzi! 

Saria: But... you always are naked, Ruto. 

Ruto: Ah yes but it's the principal of the thing. Besides MTV made me say it, they need us all to get nudie and boost the ratings. Except Rauru, he can't get naked. Ever. It's in the contract.

Rauru: Well HA to them because under this floor I'm free as a newborn babay! 

Everyone In Unison: EWWWWWWWWWWW! 

Ruto: Well come on, don't be wimps! Lets go!

Ganon: I'm in! We'll all bond in a big boiling pool of bacteria and bodily fluid, it'll be fun....

Nabooru: *Grumble* Ok. As long as Ganon sits nowhere close to me. 

Ganon: Psh! You make it seem as if I'm practically on you.

Nabooru: -__- Well, you are now.

Ganon: *Looks down to see he's sitting on Nabooru's shoulders* O sorry. *Gets off her*

Malon: Ya'll, it'll be fun, all muckin around! I go swimmin in the lake by my house all the time. Bare as the day my momma birthed me, turned me upside down, and called me Clancy.......... That's no expression either ya'll, she really did start callin me Clancy and sit me on my head all the time. That's why my scalps all flat on the top and I gotta sleep upside down.... Before they locked her up in the asylum.

Everyone: O-O Um ya so.........

Ruto: You do too, Link. I've already given you a preview of what you'll be seeing after we enter wedlock so now you gotta show me the goods too!

Link: I know and judging from the preview I want a refund..... Ok, ok, I guess I will. After all, you can't keep these rippling biceps hidden forever. Zelda, you're gonna do it too right?

Zelda: Hmmm. If I do it then I'll look like a wild party girl but if I don't I'll seem like a stiff stick in the mud. Think, brain, think! *Sees everyone giving her strange looks* Damn it, I really have to work on the whole inner monologue thing! Fine, I guess I will go in the hot tub, but no peeking! 

Ruto: Ok so now that everyone's agreed, on the count of three we all undress and run in! One........... Two-three! *Ruto takes off in an attempt to get a better view of Link. Thankfully he knows her tricks and runs into the hot tub before she can see anything.*

The bubbles pretty much cover everything but they all have red cheeks (No not those cheeks, you pervie readers you! God, I can't even respect you anymore...) and are nervously sitting feet apart from each other.

Zelda: This is a lot less fun then it looks on the show..... 

Nabooru: Ganon, I felt that! Stop touching me! _

Ganon: _ What? I didn't! Why would I when I can at night when you're asleep and you wouldn't even know? 

Nabooru: Um ya, I'm definitely chaining you to your bed....... But then whose grabbing my knee?! *She grabs the hand and pulls it out of the water.* RUTO!? Let me guess, you were trying to touch Link.

Ruto: ^_^;; O hehe. Whoopsies. I was just feeling for.... my rubber duckie!

Link reaches over towards Zelda and she looks terrified. 

Zelda: Perv! *Punches him in the nose*

Link: Owwwwwie! Jeeze, I was just reaching for my drink.... ;_; Medic!

Zelda: O haha, my mistake. Sorry. ^_^;

Ruto: Hmmm.... So what can we do to spice things up a little? O I know, lets play 'Link has to stand up for five minutes'! 

Link: You just made that up!

Nabooru: No, ya think? -_-; Idiot. 

Zelda: Thank you! That's exactly what I've been saying!

Link: T_T Well poo on you.

Ruto: I've got it! Lets play ten fingers! Its really easy, you just go around in a circle saying something you've never done and if someone else has done it then they put a finger down. Whoever has the most fingers up at the end is the loser. Now I start! Hmmm.... I've never worn clothes.

Everyone puts down a finger except Ruto.

Nabooru: Well that sucked. Now mine - I've never lost at anything. Ever.

Zelda, Malon, and Ruto put a finger down. Ganon and Link don't but have very shifty, lying eyes.

Nabooru: Liars! Link, I beat you in the tag game when you were five remember? 

Zelda: Ya and I beat you just now Ganon in that race upstairs... And then again to grab drinks. And then....

Ganon: Ok ok! You got me! Jeezum, just kill a man's pride why don'tchya. !_!

Malon: I have all my fingers down! Ha! I did more stuff than all ya'll city kids!

Nabooru: We haven't even asked ten questions, Malon. And none of us are even from the city but Zelda. 

Malon: O sorry! Hee. ^_^;

Link: Uhhhhhh..... Ummmmm....

Everyone: Just go already!

Link: Alright, alright. Tough crowd..... I've never fallen in love. 

Ganon, Malon, and Ruto put their fingers down. 

Link: Malon? With who!

Malon: Well, I guess I should just tell ya'll.... It's Mido! 

Link: Mido?! That midget?

Malon: Well I couldn't wait for you, Link, or I'd be waiting until the cows came home. Ya love Zelda, 'sok, I moved on, I'm ok with it. 

Zelda: I'm not... =o(

Malon: ... I was on Oprah; I've dealt wit my emotions already. Mido... He's just so much man! He makes me feel like a **real** woman. Plus he doesn't have to sit to milk the cows! It saves me a lot of time.

  
Rauru: *Shouting from his place on the floor* He looks like a babay! Get in my bellay! 

Nabooru: You're still alive over there? I thought you'd pass out after three minutes of not stuffing your face. 

Rauru: I knowwwww! I'm wasting away as we speak! 

Zelda: Nu uh, you look the same or else you would be able to slip from the hole.

Rauru: I think my head lost weight, it looks smaller.

Zelda: ()_(); Well your brain certainly does. 

Nabooru: Who do you love Ruto?

Ruto: Well read my key chain and you'll know! O_~

Ruto shows Nab a key chain that reads 'I Heart Link'.

Nabooru: Why'd I even ask? I must say I am impressed you took the time to get those made though. As far as stalkers go, you're a pro. He should have to hire and pay you you're so good.

Zelda: Anyway I guess it's my turn. I've never broken a rule.

Everyone: NEVER!?! 

Pretty much everyone puts a finger down. 

Zelda: Nope. Why should I? Rules give us purpose, without them we'd be wanton wild animals giving in to every impulse, a.k.a. Rauru.

Rauru: ^_^ Thankie!  

Link: *Whispering behind hand* She's so uptight if you stuck coal up her rear you'd get a diamond. 

Zelda: -_- I heard that and it's highly unlikely. Unless of course you left it there for quite some time. 

Ganon: OoOoO me turn! Okkkkkkkkkkk...... I'veeeeeeeee neveeeeeeerrrrrr.........Ummmmmmmmmm

A shoe is thrown at him and hits him in the head.

Ganon: Ow! Ok, ok! I've never kissed a girl.

Everyone: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 

Ganon: :0( You guyyyyssss! I thought you couldn't make fun of people in this game!

Link: I never agreed to that. Ganon's a loser! He's never kissed a girl!   

Nabooru: Ha ha! I've made it father with a girl than you have.

Everyone But Nabooru: O.o You kissed a girl!?

Nabooru: I mean..... Ganon sucks! Ya! 

Ganon: Well fine, I can tell I'm not going to be accepted! I'm going to my room now to sob myself to sleep and listen to Celine Dion. 

Ganon stands and everyone screams and grimaces.

Zelda: O my Goddesses, I'm blind! X_X

Link: The horror, the horror of it all! Must..... destroy.... eyeballs.

Ganon: T_T *Runs to his room and slams his door.*

Malon: I think we should stop and check on 'im ya'll. I mean, it was funny and all but it wasn't very nice!

Nabooru: ................... Nah! But I have to go pee so lets get out of here. 

Link: Ya I'm starting to prune.

Rauru: Prunes! Mmmmmm. Grandparents eat prunes. Grandparents! Mmmmmm.

~

Disco Fever - Ruto: Guys, lets go clubbing! Nabooru: Um ok..... But who made you the schedule planner? 

Ruto: Hel-lo! I made a complete list of activities for us to do while we are here so we can bond and stuff! See, it's all here on this nifty planner-ma-bob.  

Ruto shows Nabooru her planner.

Nabooru: 'Today: Get Link to kiss me, get everyone to go in the hot tub, get Link to kiss me, make lunch, get Link to kiss me, go to a club with the whole house, get Link drunk and have him kiss me.' Wow, that is so pathetic I have to kill myself with the juicer now. 

Rauru: I'm gonna skip on this one you guys because I.... well can't get out of this giant hole in the floor. I don wanna be all alones though! O.O Can I have a babysitter? 

Zelda: A babysitter? Rauru, you're 105! 

Rauru: WAAAHHHH! *Cartman voice* I... want.... cheesy puffs! And a baby sitter!

Zelda: -_-; Ok fine, as long as you swear you won't eat her.

Rauru: O darn!

Zelda goes and gets the phone book. She dials 1-800-DONT-CALL-IF-UR-KIDS-A-BRAT. 

Zelda: Uh hello, I'd like a babysitter from 10:00 to 1:00. His name's Rauru... He weighs, I dunno, 350 lbs... No, he's not allergic to anything... Yes he's an easy sleeper. Any last comments? Sure, watch out because he'll bite... No, really, he'll bite you're arm off. He's done it before... Ok thanks!    

Zelda: Ok her names Clair and she'll be here very soon.

Rauru: Yay! ^_^ Bring me back some beer peanuts though! Salted! 

Nabooru: Ganon locked himself in his room and keeps playing 'My Heart Will Go On' over and over again but I think I can drag him out. 

Link: I guess I'm going; it beats hanging home and feeding Rauru by hand. 

Rauru: I said more grapes, slave boy!

Link: .

Zelda: Ummm... I don't think I am.

Link: What! You have to! Everyone's doing it, you know you wanna.... I feel like a drug dealer. 

Zelda: I know you're supposed to say no to peer pressure because I've watched all those after school specials! But..... Ok. I guess I'll go. I guess I broke a rule so that's one finger down. *She puts a finger down* What's that I feel? Could it be freedom? Rebellion! The night is suddenly alive with options; I'm starting to have a taste for danger!

Nabooru: *Flat voice* Look out, world. First going to a club, what's next? Using a public restroom?  

So they all get ready and primp in the mirror. Montage shows of Nabooru dressed in a skintight sleeveless black jumpsuit with a thin diamond belt and her hair back in a low ponytail. Ruto is well....... naked, but she puts some glitter over her naughty spots. Link is all flexing for the mirror and then checking out his butt and saying repeatedly, "Well who is this sexy man I see? Could it be me?" Nabooru pulls Ganon from his room by his hair and he gets ready to go out, his eyes all red from weeping. Zelda wears a tan short skirt and a blue tank top with her hair let down. Malon wears a jean skirt and a tee shirt with her hair in pigtails. Now they are ready to par-tay! End montage.

~

Nabooru: Hey, this club is pretty awesome! They have a lot of hot guys too! I'm gonna go dance.... *She heads off into the dance floor*

Ganon: I'm gonna go dance too. I just learned this kickin' disco move that's sure to impress the ladies. Watch out babes because Ganon's back in town! Aaa, aaa, aaa, stayin alive, stayin alive! *Starts to hot trot away*

Zelda and Link are kind of dancing close together but not really. There is space but they look at each other every once in awhile and blush. Suddenly Ruto comes dancing up. 

Ruto: Wanna get dirrty? Come on, its about time for my arrival.

Link: T_T No, I wouldn't want to get dirrty or clean with you. Now rrrrrrun away. 

Ruto: *Still not getting the hint and continuing to try to dance with him* Lets get physical, physical. Let me hear your body talk.

Link: A) That's a corny Olivia Newton John song from the 80s. B) Go away! 

Ruto: Uhhh..... I did it all for the nookie?

Link: Not even close. Ruto, get lost and stop trying to touch my no no spots.

Ruto: For me they're yes yes spots. ^_~

Link: Bleck, barf, gag. :( 

~

Meanwhile...

*Ding dong* Clair rings the doorbell.

Rauru: Come in! 

Clair: Ok.... *Sees Rauru* O.... my.... Goddesses! That's the most hideous thing I've ever set eyes on! Baby Rauru? Baby Rauru! Where are you? @o@ You ate him didn't you? You three-chinned monster! 

Rauru: --____-- I'm Rauru.

Clair: O hehe whoops. But you're.... an overweight elderly man. Shouldn't you have gotten a live-in nurse or something? 

Rauru: No! 1_1 Let's play Candy Land! I'm Lady Lollipop! 

Clair: *Sigh* Alright. Yay, fun. I guess I'll be Mister Peppermint or whatever. Ok let me just get the directions out and read before we play... *Starts to read and then looks up* Rauru! Stop it!

Rauru: *With board in his mouth* Whash thash matta?

~

Back at the club...

Nabooru is dancing with some guy when Ganon boogies up. 

Ganon: May I cut in? 

Guy: Uh no, you green freak.

Ganon: Green freak? Excuse me but that is my fair lady you are groping, sir, and I'll.....

Guy: . (He's a big guy!) You'll what, geek?

Ganon: ^_^; Kindly ask you to stop.

Guy: Well I don't wanna so there. Now buzz off before I kill ya. 

Ganon: *Gulp* No! I demand you let go of her.

Guy: That's it, I'm gonna have to beat you to a pulp. But before I do that I like to make the weaklings cry and people laugh at them in shame. So.... you have the biggest nose I've ever seen! *Whole club looks and laughs uproariously* 

Ganon: ='0( My *sniff* mother said *sniff* it was unique.

Nabooru: Wait just a minute, that's not right! He may be a green freak with a big honker but he's my green freak with a big honker so take it back. 

Guy: No way. 

Nabooru: Ok well I warned you. *She proceeds to kick the stuffings out of him and make him cry*

Ganon: My hero! ^____^

Nabooru: Now go get me a drink, woman.

~

Cut back to the house. Clair is reading a book on the couch and Rauru is singing to himself.

Rauru: 101 bottles of milk on the wall, a 101 bottles of milk –

Clair: Uh Rauru can you please stop, I can't concentrate.

Rauru: O ok. Who stole the cookies and milk? The mouse stole the cookies and milk...

Clair: When I said stop I didn't mean that song, I meant stop singing all together.

Rauru: Ooooo, well why didn't ya say so! *He starts to hum* Hm hm Hmmmm hm hm Hmmmm.

Clair: Shuttap! 

Rauru: I want milk. 

Clair: Why Goddesses? Why have you forsaken me?

Goddesses: Hey when he hangs out in the Light Realm we have to deal with his incessant ramblings! Now it's your turn to tolerate the fat tub-o-lard! But...... If he were somehow to die before the end of this taping, there would be some thing in it for ya like the Triforce and a kingdom or two.

Clair: ^_^ Un-der-stood.

Clair: OO I don like the sound of that.

~

Malon is two stepping when a guy approaches.

Guy: Hey baby, do your feet hurt? Because you've been running through my mind all day.

Malon: My feet hurt but I think its 'cause I ran into a wall today.         

Guy: O.o Uh.... I lost my number. Can I have yours?

Malon: I lost my number too!

Guy: ............. Screw it! *He goes to dance with her but Malon's not use to this type of dance and she grabs him like she was roping a calf in a rodeo*

Malon: You rootin tootin varmint! Stay still, I need ta rope your hoofs!

Guy: Ahhhh! You're crazy, lady! *Runs away*

Malon: Well thanks for talking with me, you sho were nice. 

~

They are walking home now at night, alone in a city. (Hey they do it all the time on the real RW!)

Ruto: Call me your sugar bunch, honey bunch, o wallay wallay? 

Link: Yea.... no. Definitely no. 

Nabooru: *Ganon's leaning on her shoulder, drunk as a skunk* Come on Ganon, we're almost home. Just no puking ok? Think un-puky thoughts, like dry clothes, and brand new shoes! 

Ganon: Hey didchya know your name sounds like Sabooru? Ha ha!

Zelda: I can't believe I did this! My dads going to kill me when he sees this tape.

Link: Who cares? At least you had fun.

Zelda: Who cares? Who cares! Excuse me if I care about having a good image and pleasing my parents! I guess in your world it makes me a loser but sorry, some people want more than to just get laid and coast by in life!

Link: You don't know anything about me and what I want! You're the typical snotty rich girl, thinking she can judge everyone and she always smells like roses! Well I have news for you, you don't.... Well you do smell like roses actually.... But that's not the point! 

Zelda: And you all think you have me figured out too! That I choose to be this way, that I want to miss out on everything kids my age are doing. Well I don't! I want to get trashed and date and not worry about the consequences but I can't! Maybe if you even had a single responsibility in your life or stopped being such an a-hole for one second you'd understand. 

Link: Well maybe if your panties weren't made of ice you'd have fun once in awhile!

Zelda: Jackass....

Link: Brat....

And then they kiss under the lamplight, hard and deep. The cold night air rushes over their skin and Link runs a hand through her hair. 

\\

Link: ^____^ Cha ching!

//

Link: I guess that's another finger down for me. ^_^ (Get it? He's in love! Awww!)

(Ok enough with the mushy! On with the funny!)

Zelda: 0.0 I can't believe I just did that... and on national television. *Slaps Link*

Link: Ack! What was that for?

Zelda: For.... uhhh.... ummm... Leave me alone! *Storms off* 

Nabooru: Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

They look over to see the Gerudo covered in.... well, puke. 

Nabooru: Grrrr! I can't believe you, Ganon!

Ganon: ^_^ Kiss me.

Nabooru: *Throws him on the cement and storms off* 

~

Clair: *Trying to pull her book out of Rauru's mouth* Bad, Rauru, bad! Let go, boy!

Rauru: Pages yummy!

The gang arrive back home just then, looking less than happy. Nabooru comes huffing in first.

Clair: Hey! I'm **so** happy you're back..... Is that throw up I smell?

Nabooru: Can it.

Nabooru thuds up to her room and slams the door. Next comes Link, supporting a giggling Ganon.

Ganon: Did you know that 'wow' backwards is wow? That's crazy stuff, dude!

Clair: What's the matter with him?

Link: He's drunk. I'm going to throw him down somewhere for the night and hope he rolls over in his sleep and suffocates. 

Clair: Um ok. *To herself* Well everyone's certainly grumpy... Zelda! Hey.... 

Zelda: I don't want to talk about it.... *Runs by and to her room*

Saria: Golly, I guess it was smart to stay home then. Hey Malon, I bet you had a bad time too huh?

Malon: No way! I met all these really smart guys; one even talked French to me! Something about a 'maunaush-a-twa'. (Sp? Because I know I'm wayyyy off!) It sounds really.... French! I'm goin to hit the hay.... and then go to sleep. So here's your money, Clair. Bye!  

Clair: Yesssaa! I'm free, I'm free! *Runs out of the house*

Rauru: Wait! You didn't even tuck me in yet!

~

OoOo You Can Just Feel The Sexual Tension - 

It's the morning and everyone's lounging around the kitchen/dining area, eating breakfast and not talking much.

Malon: I wonda how they got these French toast pieces so small? *Gazing at French toast cereal in amazement* Them French are pretty crafty. 

Link: _

Zelda: _

Link: _

Zelda: _ Stop looking at me!

Link: _ I'm not... I'm looking at... the wall behind you.

Nabooru: Um k, you guys are acting weird.... Ganon, I wish you wouldn't use Rauru as a table, taking advantage of his stupid-ness.

Ganon: *Resting his bowl on Rauru's head* He doesn't care and its convenient. 

Rauru: Hee hee. It tickles! (A_A) Plus I get to eat anything he drops! Whose being taken advantage of **now** huh?

Nabooru: ...Yup still you. Hmm where's Ruto?

Link: Still sleeping. Why do you have to question a good thing?

Ruto: *Bursts from her bedroom, wrapped in a feathered robe* Good morning, all you beautiful - yet not as stunning as me - people. I heard my name and woke up exactly at that moment.

Link: -___- Good job, Nabooru.  

Zelda: _ You're looking at me again! 

Nabooru: Enough! What's going on with you two? 

Rauru: HOUSE MEETING!

Nabooru: -_- Was that really necessary? We're all in the living room anyways...

Rauru: No but I just wanted to say it. Heh. 

Nabooru: Well I guess that's a good thing because I can bring up a point. I don't know what went on between Zelda and Link but it's getting really annoying. I think I speak for the house when I say all this tension is driving me insane!

Link: So maybe I was looking at you huh? Whatchya gonna do about it? (o)_(o)  

Zelda: *Starts to cry like Tonya from New Orleans* Someone make him stop!

Nabooru: Grrr! That's it; I'm throwing you both together in the closet and locking the door! I don't know if it'll work but I really don't care; as long as I don't have to hear you two have your stupid fights!

Nabooru drags Zelda and Link into a closet and pushes the couch against the door. 

Zelda: *Bangs on the door a few times* Let me out! Let me out, I'd rather be pecked in the eyes by Cuccos then be locked in a room with Link! 

Nabooru: *Trying to be nonchalant* Hm do you hear anything, Ganon? Because I don't...

Ganon: It sounds like Zelda pleading to be let out of a closet....

Nabooru: -_- Shuttap... I'll let you out in a few hours, Zelda.

Zelda: O Goddesses, this is **so** illegal. *Sits down on a box and glares at Link* I hope you know this is all your fault. If you hadn't been staring at me none of this would have happened.

Link: My fault!? You're the one who slapped me last night!

Zelda: Ya well, you kissed me! 

Link: *Sarcastic* O I'm sorry, I thought I'd finally melted that block of ice you call a heart but I guess it was temporary. 

Zelda: Good, the sooner you get it through your thick head that wewill **never** be together, the sooner we can get out of here and live the rest of our lives far far away from each other! 

However as they've argued they've moved closer and closer together...

Link: Good. The less I see of you... *Staring with longing at her, his face only an inch away from her's* and you're wide beautiful blue eyes.... and you're cute little nose... and you're perfect kissable lips... the **better**!

Suddenly romantic music begins to play.

Link: Huh? Where's that coming from?

Ganon: *Other side of the door* It's me singing, "Once, Twice, Three Times A Lady". Now take your own advice and stop questioning a good thing! P.S. I take requests. 

Again the romantic mood returns and they look into each other's eyes.

Zelda: Link, I'm sorry for the way I've treated you. I guess... deep down I was afraid. I was afraid... we'd loose oxygen in this closet and start hallucinating we were in a cruise ship Congo line... but mostly I was afraid... afraid of falling head over heels in love with you. 

Link: I love you too, Zel.

Suddenly they begin to kiss and the camera angle swirls. Steam starts to fog the lens and a shower in running. The pair tumbles into it, still kissing and their clothes getting drenched.

Zelda: Wha? There isn't a shower in the coat closet!

Link: Shhh. Don't question it.

They go on to make out and grope.   

\\

Zelda: Ok I know what you all are thinking? "Has she gone crazy? I mean she's a Princess!" But I'm a teenager too and I need to have fun. I need to be me... and well, if that means being a little skanky whore... then at least I'm being true to myself. 

//

Nabooru: Ok you guys can come out now. I guess this isn't going to...

She opens the closet door right then, the music cuts off, and the pair fall out onto the ground, soaked. 

Nabooru: ...Work. Woah, you guys sure are hormonal and loose. You were only in there for like three minutes!

Link: Love doesn't wait, Nabooru. 

Nabooru: Um k and that would mean? *Sigh* Whatever, as long as you guys aren't all weird anymore that's great.

Zelda: Ya I think we'll be fine now. In fact, I have... this thing.... in my bedroom... if you wanna go see it, Link. It's on my bed, naked. O_~

The Princess runs off to her room.

Link: O boy do I!

Link follows. 

Nabooru: Ok I think the awkwardness was better then the glomping like bunnies. Yes much. 

Ganon: *Puts his arm around her* Say, Nab, that closet shower's empty now and I have something for you to see in it. It's naked and has a great singing voice. ^_^

Nabooru: Ganon, I'd rather pluck my eyelashes out one at a time. *She walks away*

Ganon: Alright another time then! 

~

**Time To Leave! Don't Forget To Steal Some House Stuff - **

\\

Nabooru: Well it's finally the end of our six months... and I have to admit, I'm sad to go. 

//

Nabooru: The repairman that was here today said we have a gas leakage.

Rauru: OoOo that would be me. These old pipes aren't what they use to be if you get my meaning. #-#

Nabooru: Sick, Rauru! Just sick! 

\\

Nabooru: Well... kinda sad. I will miss these people though. 

//

Ruto is counting dozens of twenty-dollar bills and sitting on her bed. Nabooru walks by. 

Nabooru: Ruto! Where'd you get all that money? 

Ruto: Well... I was running low on cash and I have all these extra eggs just lying around in me, going to waste...

Nabooru: Gah! And all that caviar I've been eating... Its not...

  
Ruto: *Whistles guiltily* 

\\

Nabooru: Ok... So I'll kinda miss them. But it's been fun taking a break from governing my clan and I've enjoyed making new friends. I know the bonds I've made with people here will last me a lifetime... or until I get a restraining order.

//

\\

Zelda: Its time to go home and I can honestly say I wish I had another month... and not just because of the fact that my dad will execute me when I get home and he sees the show. In the beginning I was here because I wanted to show the world how perfect and moral I could be. However this experience has taught me to let go and be able to admit I'm wrong sometimes. I've learned its ok to care about people and I've learned its ok to look like a fool. After all the bloopers are the funniest parts! 

//

And so a bloopers montage begins. 

Malon is staring reaaalllllyyyy close at the toaster in amazement. Suddenly toast pops up and hits her in the eye. She screams and covers her face.

~

Ruto is on a date with a really cute guy. They walk into a Sushi restaurant and suddenly a swarm of Japanese cooks come out.

Ruto: Hey put me down!

Cooks: Comah onah! Peoplah waitingah! 

 A few minutes later her date is served a dish. One roll had her eye, the other her mouth, the other her hand, and so on...

Ruto: This is **so** embarrassing. 

~

Rauru: Can I call you Clair Bear?

Clair: *Reading her book and not looking up* No.

Rauru: Get it? Like Care Bear, but Clair Bear!

Clair: No.

Rauru: Can I....

Clair: No.

Rauru: Caaaannnn I....

Suddenly a lightening bolt comes down from the sky and fries Rauru. He turns all crispy and coughs out a cloud of ash. 

Goddesses: I know we said we wouldn't help but come on, that was painful even to us.

Rauru: O-O Owwie. 

~

End montage.

\\

Rauru: Even though I can't leave because I'm still stuck in this hole and have actually **gained** weight.... ;-; I'm still gonna miss everyone! This was a blast and I loved making so many new friends. I've learned I can count on my friends to at least **try** to help me out of any problems that happen in my life and that it really is possible to get splinters in every possible part of my body. So long everyone! I hope the people that move in here next are as nice as you and don't mind having a fat man living with them. ^_^

//

Zelda and Link are at the airport. Its Zelda's time to go home.

Zelda: I'm really going to miss you, Link... *A tear starts to fall* Huh? What's that wet thing coming from my eye? Am I leaking? O my Goddesses, I'm crying! 

Link: Awww for me? I'll miss you too, Z my girl. 

The hug and kiss.

Link: Ya know, we live only like an hour away from each other....

Zelda: Link, you don't honestly think a hot commodity such as myself could wait around for you do you? 

Link: Bu...

Zelda presses a finger to his lip, silencing him.

Zelda: Shhh, Link. It's easier this way. Good bye, my love. Good bye. 

Link watches her walk away and then stares at her plane. He sees a slender figure outlined in the plane window and she shakes hands with some man. Then she makes out with him. 

Link: *Sigh* ;_;

\\

Link: Well this is the end of the road, folks. This has been a really great experience for me and I guess got my Zelda in the end.... Even though she told me never to write or visit her again because it would be too painful... It's been a strange wild trip, with a lot of laughs along the way. I know I'll miss everyone. I'll miss Nabooru's dry cruel wit, how Rauru can burp the alphabet backwards and in Swahili, Zelda's French kisses, Malon's weird hick tales, Ganon's weird obsession with Cher, Ruto's.... well... I'll think of something later... I guess the only thing I can say is I had a blast! 

//

THE END

(EXCEPT FOR THE HUNDRED RE-RUNS THAT WILL AIR)


	3. Chapter Three: Jeopardy For Dummies

Authors Notes: 

Yay, my tres try at humor! Third times a charm I'm told... Anyways this is a half rip off of Jeopardy and another half rip off of the SNL skits about the game show. What do you get when you combine these two? A hilarious, sidesplitting fic that's what! Now hop on a train to funny Ville and visit your good friend Mr. Amusing... @_@ I watch way too many Mr. Rogers re-runs. (Awww! I miss that old, cardigan wearing biznatch!) 

Disclaimer: 

         I do own The Legend Of Zelda Corporation! In fact, I'm a rich multimillionaire! I even own you! Now dance, slave, dance! *Clap clap* ::You start to dance:: XD Mu ha ha ha!

         Also some naughty language! Whoopee!        

Hyrule TV Shows 

By Jasmina Bobina

Chapter Three: Jeopardy For Dummies 

There is a sound stage and some weird creepy blue background. (I really forgot how the Jeopardy set looks... If you know what it looks like then just imagine that... And if you do then O MY GOD WHAT A LOSER YOU ARE! GAH HA HA! ::Readers through stones at her:: Note to self - Do not mock people with easy access to stones.) Alex Trebek walks onto the set wearing his usual suit and his trademark mustache.

Trebek: Hello and welcome to Jeopardy - Hyrule Addition. Today proves to be a very challenging day... Or so my cue cards say as I read them with skepticism and hope to God I pass out unconscious during this taping. Our contestants today are.... 

Trebek: Malon.

Malon is wearing a yellow and red sequined cowboy shirt, a jean skirt, and a cowboy hat. Her red hair is poofed up and she smiles at the crowd and waves. 

Malon: Well howdy ya'll. I'm more excited to be here then a rattlesnake crawling up a fat man's behind, ya hear! 

Trebek: I'm sure you are. Moving on, we have....  A skeletal. 

The spider thing looks around with his eight eyes and venom drips from his fangs.

Skeletal: I will kill you.

Trebek: If only I were that lucky. Our third contestant is... Rauru. 

Rauru is wearing a brown robe. He smiles. 

Rauru: Well hello, Al! May I call you Al? 

Trebek: No. You asked me that the last time you were on the show and the answer is still no. 

Rauru: Ok, fair enough. Actually it's a funny story, the last time I was on the show I actually had a score of -101 points so now I have to work on Jeopardy to pay back the money I owe you guys. I'm a part time janitor around the set and also a contestant. 

Trebic: No, that was not a funny story. I got as much enjoyment out of that little yarn if I poked my eyeballs out with a sharp stick, but thank you. Our fourth contestant, who has hopefully broke free and run from this Hell, is... (I know there are usually only three contestants but guess what? I'm the author and what I say goes! ::People raise their stones to throw and I cower back:: Alright, majority rule is great too. Nice readers, good readers. Your getting me back for making you dance aren't you? ^_^;;) Darunia. 

The Goron King is folding his arms and he looks angry.

Darunia: Suck the big one, Trebek.  

Trebek: Indeed. Now on with the first round. Our topics are as follows...

As he says each one a topic on the board lights up.  

Trebek: People who are Zelda, cheeses, words that start with 'S', things that are yellow, and noises. Now since no one won the coin toss back stage, because Rauru ate the coin...

Rauru: Tee hee. Well we can find out what side it lands on in a few days...

People in crowd faint and puke.

Trebek: I think I just threw up in my mouth. The person to go first is Skeletal. What is your topic?

Skeletal: I will hide in your bed at night and when you turn down your blankets I will KILL you. 

Trebek: How about I just choose for you? People who are Zelda for $500. The answer to the question is - She is our current Princess and her name is in the topic. Can anyone give the question? 

*Buzz*

 Darunia: It's 'people'.

Trebek: Let me remind you that you must answer in the form of a question.... And even if you had, you still would have gotten the answer terribly, terribly wrong and I still would be wishing I were plummeting to my death instead of being here, listening to you answer that question. Anyone else? 

*Buzz*

Darunia: You think you can play games with me, Trebek? Well you can't!  Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey, how's it going?' So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said 'Now who's asking the questions?" Ha! That will show those question-asking punks, going around asking all their crazy questions. 

Trebek: Yes, you certainly showed him. Anyone else please? God almighty, someone else answer. Rauru, you are friends with this person, I know for a fact that you had dinner with her last week.

Rauru: That could be a lot of people. I eat five dinners each day.

*Ding* The timer goes off signifying the end of that question's time.

Trebek: The answer was Zelda. She is our Princess and she was **in** the topic. Also, I think blood is now trickling from my ears as I suffer a brain hemorrhage. Continuing on, Malon, you get to pick the next topic.  

Malon: I'llllllll taaaaaaaaaakkkkkkkkeeeeeeee..... *Peers at board*..... Igloo.... children....

Trebek: That is not an actual topic.

Malon: Whispjnw wehuerpo?

Trebek: And you just made up your own words.

Malon: ALRIGHT! I can't read! Ya happy now!? =*( My pa never taught me no book readin, alright! 

Trebek: Great, our only sane contestant is illiterate. *Sigh* Then I will once again choose the topic. How about we go with words that start with 'S' for 1000. The answer is - Something you wear on your feet. Now this can be anything you wear on your feet, for instance a 'sock', a 'shoe', or we would even accept 'skin'. 

*Buzz*

Rauru: My cat killed a mouse yesterday and I found it on my porch. At first I felt sad... Then I felt hungry... I don't remember what happened after that...

Trebek: Well that rant was most disturbing and not in the least bit worth the time it took to listen to it. Does anyone know the answer?

*Buzz*

Skeletal: I will hide away in your cereal... and then you will pour me in a bowl... You will eat me... and then I will crawl around in your intestines... until you eventually release me into your toilet and flush me down into the sewers... I will float in the sewers for months traveling all over Hyrule... Eventually I will be flushed back to your house... I will hide in your bed at night and when you turn down your blankets I will KILL you. 

*Ding*

Trebek: I'm sorry, you are out of time. The correct answer is 'what is a shoe'? Once again everyone's score is -100 points and everyone owes us money, which we will make you pay up. Even if you were to say, change your name to Sauru and move into your parent's basement.   

Rauru: I know not of this Sauru character you speak of, sir. ^.^;;

Trebek: The person to choose the topic next is Darunia. Why they have me even say that is a mystery because we all know he will just end up saying something completely irrelevant and I will have to choose yet again. But go on, the rating's whores upstairs are forcing me so lets make this quick. 

Darunia: Whores eh? I know a whore, Trebek, it's your mother! 

Trebek: Yes, thank you for making that quick... yet oddly just as painful. Now I will choose...

Darunia: Hey, Trebek! How is your mother like an elevator?

Trebek: *Sigh* How?

Darunia: ... I forgot the punch line, but "your mother's a whore"!  

Trebek: Hilarious. Moving on, the topic is noises for 100. The answer is - the sound a cow makes. We all learned this in second grade, which means none of you have a chance in Hell of getting this correct. 

*Buzz*

Darunia: Moo.

Trebek: (n)_(n)  O my... O my God! You just got an answer correct! Are we taping this?! Now Darunia, all you have to do is put that in the form of a question and you will have 100 points, bringing your score to 0 and you will be in first place. Just say "What is moo?". 

Darunia: That's the sound your mother made last night! HA!

Trebek: :{( Well I certainly fell right into that one. For a moment I believed this show might have some dignity but now I see it never ever will. Onto the next topic, Rauru you may choose.

Rauru: Mom always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up, "within reason." When I asked her what she meant by "within reason," she said, "You ask a lot of questions for a garbage man."      

Trebek: That story was highly off topic and I believe you may have ADD. Again I will pick and I choose cheeses. Since this is some type of food I am hoping you will get it right Rauru. The answer is - It is **blue** and in salad dressing. Again it is **blue**, a **BLUE CHEESE**. 

*Buzz* 

 Rauru: My nephew asked me why it was raining; the cute thing I told him was "Because The Goddesses are crying". When he asked me why they were crying, another cute thing I said was, "Because they hate you".

Trebek: A rousing story. Incase you may not have been able to tell from the dry tone of my voice, I was being very sardonic. Anyone else?

*Buzz*

Trebek: Rauru buzzes in once again. Will someone please take the buzzer away from him? 

*Buzz*

Rauru: ::FFFFFFFFFAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTT:: (YES that is the sound of a fart! Alright!) 

People faint and scream with horror.

Trebek: O God! Not only does it smell like rotten eggs and I am getting dizzy from the fumes, but the most disturbing thing is you 'buzzed' in to relieve yourself. 

Rauru: ^#_#^ In some countries, what I did would be considered polite, especially Fartland.

Darunia: His rear hole sang a melody! Ha ha!

Trebek: Well while we air out the study and I take a very very long shower, preferable in choleric acid, we will cut to a commercial break. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some cheesy girly music starts to play, probably something by Jewel or something. There are a bunch of girls sitting around a circle at a slumber party, painting their nails and doing other 'girly' stuff.

Zelda: *In pink pjs* So, who do you girls like?

Malon: *Wearing yellow pjs. Blushes.* Link...

Ruto: *Wearing... nothing.* Link? Me too!

Saria: *Wearing green pjs* I... like Link too... How about you, Zelda?

Zelda: I confess, I like Link too!

Announcer: Its hard when there just don't seem to be very many attractive men around. As is the case in Hyrule, were there is... only one. BUT NOW, with the amazing new hotline system, you can order a life mate of your very own! 

Zelda opens the door to see a balding guy with his stomach hanging out over his jeans. 

Zelda: Hi. What's your name? 

Gus: Gus. 

Zelda: What do you do for a living?

Gus: I'm a plumber. *Scratches his exposed crack*

Zelda: I think..... I'm in love. 3_______3

Jewel music plays again. We see a montage. 

Gus is pushing Zelda on a swing.

Zelda: Higher, Gus, higher! 

Gus: Ok...

The swing goes higher...

Zelda: Aaaaahhhhhh!

It swing comes back empty and Gus looks around.

Gus: Zelda? Well, I'm gonna go have a beer.

The next scene they are playing 'Scrabble' together.

Zelda: Yay! I spelt 'Defense' for a bunch of points! Your turn, Gussy poo. 

Gus: Um... I spelt 'Go' for two points. 

Zelda: O.... K. Yippee! I spelt 'Soccer' for a lot of points! Your turn again, sweetie pie sugar bunch o wallay wallay. 

Gus: I spelt 'hjsdkko'. I win! 

Zelda: Wha! Wait! That's not even a word...  

Gus: Yes it is.

Zelda: Let's check in my handy dandy pocket dictionary. *Starts checking* Told ya, I don't see it! 

Gus: *Gets angry. Takes book, rips it in half, and throws it in her face. Calms down.* O whoops. I'm such a butter fingers. Well, I'm gonna get a beer. 

Another scene is outside and Zelda is playing on a type of water slippery slide. You know, those kid things people put in their yards. The thing I was playing on when I was little with my friends and my bathing suit top rode up and everyone laughed at me. HEY ITS NOT MY FAULT I'M FLAT... O hehe where'd that come from? ^^;;

Zelda: Weeee! Come on out, Gus, this is fun!

Gus: Okkk, here I come!

Gus comes out wearing a red Speedo and parts are blurred out because it's not a pretty sight folks. 

Zelda: ACK!!!! I mean... whoopee?

Gus: Alright, here I go on the slide! Stand back, I'm going...

He starts to run and slide on it. Basically, its not a nice sight at all.

Zelda: GAH! MY EYES, MY EYES ARE ON FIRE! I mean... with your hotness? 

Last scene, they are sitting together on the couch watching a movie.

Zelda: Did you rent 'How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days' like I asked you to?

Gus: O ya, that's what I wanted to tell you. The guy at the movie place said they were all out... So I got 'Girls Gone Wild III: Shower Fun' instead. 

Zelda: But, Gus, I don't wanna watch that! That's gross!

Gus: Nosa! See, it says 'Girls' right in the title - that means it's for girls, silly!

They are about to play it when the door busts open and police men walk in. 

Police Guy: Zelda, I'm sorry to inform you that Gus is a wanted felon in over 102 countries; there are only 101 countries but Taiwan said he is wanted there twice, once for murder... and another for kicking a small cat. We've been looking all over for you, Gus. You're coming with us, you sicko. ;-; That cat was only a baby, just a little kitten; you didn't even give it a chance.   

They take Gus away.

Zelda: Noooo!!! Not my Gus! I'll bake you a cake with a nail file in it, sweetie... O I probably shouldn't have said that with the police right there. Drat.

Announcer: Is that proof enough for you that our program really does work? No? WELL SORRY, YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE PUNK. HERE'S MORE PROOF, SO GO SHOVE IT UP YOUR PIE HOLE!

Jewel: *Plays guitar and acts like they've come in the middle of a recording session* My hands are small I know, they're not yours they are my own... O hey! My name's Jewel and I'm a singer that you have probably all heard of already. But you've probably never heard that I was born and raised in Alaska! Yes I'm sure your all thinking "What the Hell? Alaska!? The only things that live there are Polar Bears and girls that don't shave their pits." Yes and yes to both..... You see, growing up in my small Alaskan town, there weren't many men at all to choose from. Especially with my freakishly small hands. I know people think its just symbolism in my song but no, really, I have tiny tiny hands, midget-like even. Kids taunted me about them, my mom use to say stuff like "Hey small hands freak, who isn't really my child because I screwed everyone in this town, and who has a learning disability." It wasn't pretty, my friends.  But when I heard about the program and I ordered my soul mate, well my life sure changed! My partner, Joe, was a blessing in my life. Although he has a previous marriage and five children, he gave it all up to live in Alaska with me. He was the one who encouraged me to sing and write songs. When I would sing in front of stores and people would throw gum in my hair and say, "Shut up already!" Joe was there to comfort me. He gave me the confidence I needed to say to my mother finally, "Hey, I am a good person and you were wrong... about some of that stuff." Now I can say with all honesty, I love Joe. Even if after I became rich he sued me for half of my money.

Announcer: Now do you believe me? If you say no one more time, so help me God, I'll burn down your house and kidnap your grandma, I'm not lying... So if you'd like your own life mate call us today at 1-800-SEXY-STUD-4YOU. We guarantee same day shipping! All of our eligible bachelors are from the Bronx and New Jersey area and are never over the age of 65... except for Steve, who is 84 but still sexy! So come on, stop searching for that Mr. Right and settle for Mr. Right Now!

Disclaimer: Sexy Studs INC. is not responsible for any things our Sexy Studs may do, such as steal your stuff, poke you in the eye, feed your dog cheetos until it barfs, or take naked pictures of you in the shower. Sexy Studs INC. does not discriminate against anyone... Unless your Ruto and in that case, yes we do discriminate. Very much so. (Stop calling, Ruto. We will not send you a Sexy Stud.)    

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Trebek: Once again we are back with **Jeopardy - Hyrule Addition**, and once again I can see my career spiraling down the crapper.  

Darunia: *Giggle giggle* Heh heh. He farted...

Trebek: -_- Yes he did and I will never be able to get the stench off of me. Now please lets just finish this display of legally verified insane people. The person to choose the next topic is... You know what? Screw it. I'll just pick it again. I select things that are yellow for, what the Hell, 5000. The answer is - something in the sky that's very hot. Now there is only one answer to this question but, come on! It's in the sky and its freaking yellow! In the summer you put _blank_ block on to keep it from burning you...

*Buzz*

Malon: Ah love tha summa time! Las summa me an little boy blue went over the hill to blow his horn... When my ma found out she nearly tanned my hide! 

Trebek: I see your mouth move but I can't understand anything that comes out of it. Will someone please answer the question? You can also get a _blank_ tan... 

*Buzz* 

Rauru: Another time my nephew asked me how Santa Claus could live forever. I told him its because he drinks blood. I don't know why he cried, the whiny little brat.

Trebek: Again I am amazed at how you are still considered a functioning member of society... And I have the irresistible urge to punch you. 

*Ding*

Trebek: Time is up. The correct answer was 'What is the sun?'  

*Buzz*

Darunia: That hot b@stard in the sky that's always smiling down at me with his smug little yellow face. ONE DAY I'LL GET YOU SUN, ONE DAY! *Raises clenched fist in the air*

Trebek: Darunia, that was the answer to the question I just asked. 

Darunia: O so you think you're Mr. Smarty pants huh? You know all the answers? Well I know your little secret, Trebek! You wouldn't be so smart if you didn't have those cue cards! Everyone, he reads off of cards! CARDS, people! 

Trebek: If you're finished with your diluted outburst, we will begin the final round. This is the last question; our subject is people in history. The answer is... No, this question is too hard so I will make up me own. Name a person, just any person. It can be a friend, a neighbor, you could even write down 'me'. 

*Dun ah dun ah dun ah dun* The annoying 'thinking' music plays and the contestants are busy scribbling away.  

 Trebek: Ok first up is Darunia; let's see what you wrote. You answered "His butt hole talked" and you wagered "Tee hee".

Darunia: (A_A) It really did. You heard it.    

Trebek: Yes, yes it did. Thank you for playing and better luck next time... Hopefully there will be no next time or I may be forced to get drunk before I go on the set to be able to endure the agonizing pain of listening to you. Moving on we have Skeletal. Let's see what you have. You answered "Watch your back" and you wagered "Trebek". 

Skeletal: I will KILL you!

Trebek: I wish you would so then I wouldn't have to do it myself. Unfortunately however that is the wrong answer. Next up is Malon, God help us. Lets take a look at what you wrote. You answered, "Look" and you wagered "Behind you..."

Trebek turns around and sees Skeletal behind him.

Skeletal: o_ I will KILL you! *Twitchy eyeball*

Trebek: Gah! Get in your seat, please! I think my heart just stopped out of sheer lack of a will to live.      

Skeletal crawls back to his seat grumbling. 

Trebek: Alright and the last person is Rauru. Let's get this over with, Sage. You answered "I'm not wearing any pants". O my God! I do not want to read the rest but I have to so... You wagered "Or underpants". -_- This show has just hit an all-time low. 

Rauru: #^_^# He he. I can feel the breeze on me bottom...

Trebek: That is all for today. Once again everyone has negative points and you all are now slaves to the Jeopardy show. Your first duty is to make Rauru put on pants, God willing. I am Alex Trebek and this was **Jeopardy - Hyrule Addition**. Now I am going to go drink a bottle of whisky and cry because I have become a miserable, broken man.   

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Closing Notes: **Well chapter three is over, what did you think? Hopefully this gets more reviews then my last chapter "**The Not-So-Real World**"! But it really doesn't matter all that much, I have fun writing it anyhow! I'm in the process of writing "**The Singles**" too for all that care. 

Guy in the back: WHICH IS NO ONE! 

Me: I thought I kicked you out of my theater!? 

Guy: You did but then you put me back in to get laughs b/c you fic was sucking.  

Me: O hehe ^_^;; So it was... But I think people liked it.

Guy: NOT ME!

Me: SHUTTUP YOU! Now I remember why I booted you out in the first place...

Well love you all! "What is good-bye?" He he, I made a jeopardy joky poo!  

Guy: For it to be a joke it would have to be funny...

Me: What's your deal anyways? Why do you yell out random mean things?

Guy: What I say is MEAN!? I didn't know that, no wonder I have no friends!

Me: -_- You're being sarcastic aren't you?

Guy: Surely. 

Poll - Do you prefer longer chapters? 

A) No, my attention span is the size of a pea... What were we talking about again? O ya pee pee! Ha ha!

b) Yesa! The longer the better, as my momma always use to say... She was a perv.

c) It doesn't matter; I like 'em either way. 

d) WHO CARES?! DON'T YOU HAVE SOMETHING BETTER TO DO THEN ASK STUPID QUESTIONS!?

e) I'm not wearing any pants. ^ n ^ *Giggle giggle*


	4. Chapter Three: Hey I wanted another chap...

**Author's Notes:** Whoopee! My very own notes, all mine......... o.O O ya I have to say something important don't I? This is a fic about the show **Friends**, where a group of thirty something rich-bitch actors play twenty something friends in every day life situations. Now on with the show!   

**Disclaimer: **I do not own **The Legend Of Zelda** or **Friends**.... Wait, I have friends, I just don't own the show. Get what I mean? (Guy in last row: NO YOU DON'T! STOP LYING!) ;--; Well you don't have to be so mean about it, Jeesh... 

Hyrule TV Shows 

By Buddha Jasmine, Spiritual Guru To The Insane

Chapter Three: Friends In Hyrule 

Zelda and Saria are hanging out in their apartment. Saria is cooking something while Zelda gets ready for her job as a waitress.

Saria: Can you try my blueberry muffins?

Zelda: Sure... *Takes a bit of a muffin* @_@ GACK, HACK, UCK! Uh... I mean mmmm. 

Saria: Do you really like them?  
  


Zelda: That depends, Saria. Is there supposed to be a layer of charred ash? 

Saria: *Sigh* Another failed batch! Maybe I should have never started this catering business... Maybe I should have just followed my dad's advice when I called him and said, "Daddy, I'm opening a catering service!" He said to me, "1 - Don't call me Daddy. You're a 50-year-old Kokiri who was born out of one drunken night and how was I supposed to know I could get a Deku Tree pregnant. 2 - No you can't, you don't have any cooking skills." 

She dumps them on a growing mound of muffins in their kitchen. 

Zelda: Nonsense, you'll do fine, your father was wrong..... about some of that schtuff. In the mean time, what are we going to do with these muffins? I know, lets give them to the neighbors as gifts!

Saria: Already tried... *She goes to open the door and there is a mound of muffins in the doorway.*

Suddenly a muffin flies through the air, knocking Saria out. Zelda lifts it up and the blueberries are made to spell something out. It reads: Anymore of this crap, and you'll pa...

Zelda: NO NOT "PA"!! DAMN YOU BASTARDS, DAMN YOU AND YOUR "PA" TO HELL! *Raises muffin and squelches it in her fist* O yuck. 

Neighbor: I meant 'Anymore of this crap, and you'll pay'. I ran out of blueberries. ^^;; Prolly shouldn't have used that extra one to make the comma. 

Zelda: O hehe.... Well what we need now is someone with a total lack of taste and a lardy gut to scoff away all these muffins.  

Rauru: Yo, whatchyou doin!

Rauru enters wearing a wife beater. (GAH!!! ME EYES!!! MAN BOOBIES ARE NOT A PRETTY SIGHT, PEOPLE!!)

Crowd: OOOOWWW OWWWW! HOTT STUFF!

Zelda: 0.0 ...I don't think Rauru's ever been called 'hott stuff' since that time he caught fire.

Crowd: We mean 'YYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY'!

Zelda: Ok, better.... Rauru, do you think you could eat this pile of Saria's muffins for us? 

Rauru: I guess... I mean I just finished eating an English breakfast....

English Man: *Muffled, from Rauru's tummy* Righty oh, chap! Jolly good, whot! Care for a spot of tea?

Rauru: *Punches gut* I told you to SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE, BRIT!

English Man: *Still in his dozen-chambered stomach* Course, ol boy! Bloody Hell!

Zelda: Uh.... Anyway, dig in!

Rauru: Munch munch munchy munch! 

He starts to eat away at the hill when the Muffin Man emerges from the mound.

Muffin Man: HEY, TUBBY BOY! Leave my house on Mulberry Lane alone! 

Rauru: No way! A duel, sir... *Takes a fork and duels the Muffin Man with it, using it like a sword.* 

Muffin Man: *Jumps from fork and runs around, being chased by Rauru.* BAH!!!! You know the Muffin Man - YOU'LL KNOW THE MUFFIN MAN'S FOOT WHEN IT MAKES CONTACT WITH YOUR BOOTAY!!!! *Gets stabbed by fork.*

Rauru: *Eats poor Muffin Man* Looks like a babay, get in my bellay!!!

Saria: !_! That was almost as crazy as when you made a grilled 'Cheese Stands Alone' sandwich last week, Rauru.

Malon comes in the door just then, dressed in a long flow-y skirt and sandals.

Malon: Hey, guys! Do any of you have, like, some shrimp and an over-sized, giant toothbrush?

Saria: I have a whole bag full of shrimp...

Rauru: And I have an over-sized, giant toothbrush....

Saria: -__- 

Rauru: Hey, I use it to get my back teeth! Have you ever gotten a child stuck in YOUR back molars? It smarts! 

Saria: Riiight.... Why do you need all that, Malon?

Malon: I was on a trip to, like, the Zora's Domain and I, like, visited Jabu Jabu. He told me he hates it there and he wanted to escape.

Zelda: A.... **whale** spoke to you, Malon?

Malon: Well not spoke with actual words, but I could read his eyes..... He also said he hates Ruto too and always tries to swallow her but the little turd always finds a way out.... Anyway, I, like, stole Jabu Jabu and brought him to my house. He's in my bathtub right now; I plan to set him free in the ocean later.

Rauru: *In Cartman voice* GOD DAMN HIPPIE! You silly, silly granola crunching, dirty hemp smoker, when will you learn animals were put on this earth for us to eat and poke at for amusement? They like it; cows are slow and dumb for a reason! 

Malon: That's, like, horrible! Whatever, I'm not, like, a vegetarian because I, like, like animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants. STUPID MOTHA FRICKIN CARROTS!!! *Takes out carrot stick*

Carrot: CARROTS WILL RULE YOU ONE DAY!!! ALL WILL BE CARROT'S SLAVES - *Malon chomps on him* AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! NOT MY CRUNCHY, DELICIOUS BODY!!!! NOOOOOO!!!

Zelda: Well, guys, I have to go to work and since you all have no lives or jobs, I guess you'll come meet up at The Central Perk too! 

ALL: YA!!!!! 

English Man: Finally, a decent spot of tea!

Rauru: *Jabs gut* I THOUGHT I TOLD YA TO PIP DOWN, LIMEY!!!!!! 

*

The gang is sitting on The Central Perk couch, hanging out like they creepily **always** do. 

Saria: Mido, try one of my special brownies. I made 'em just for you! ^#_#^

Mido: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..... **Special**, I gotchya. *Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.* O_~

He eats a brownie and starts to look spacey.

Mido: Cool! I'm already seeing lots of colors! 

Saria: Colors!? WELL THAT'S WEIRD, I WONDER WHY!!!

Mido: Uh, you know why, because they're **special**. They have a 'magical' ingredient. 

Saria: Ya, I guess so but I wouldn't call it 'magical'. It's just a dash of oregano; you prolly can't even taste it. 

Mido: OOOOOOOOOO....... Rrrriiiight, oregano - so that's what you call it on the streets. ^____________^ 

Saria: Um k.... Link, will you stop staring at Zelda?

Link is staring at Zelda as she waits on tables and bends over in her short uniform skirt.

Link: Huh! Wha was that? @_@ I AM NOT! I was just looking in that general direction generally.   

Saria: You were staring so long without blinking you got eye crust.

Link: O.O NOSA! *Tries to blink but can't after not doing it for so long. Finally he uses his hands to force down his eyelids.* See, there! Blinky blink blink! 

Mido: Dude, guy, don't move! SHHHHHH! That lamp near you is starting to dance! Wooo wooo you shake that bulb!!!! 

Zelda: *She approaches them.* o.O What's wrong with him?   

Mido jumps up on a table and takes off his shirt, whirling it over his head and dancing!

Mido: Its so hott in here! GOD, WHY'S IT SO HOTT!!!!! I am getting so hott... I'm gonna take off all my clothes!

Everyone: (OoO) LORD, NOOOOOOOOOOO - 

Too late, Mido drops his pants and everyone closes their eyes.

Everyone: XD GAH!!!! I'VE BEEN BLINDED!!!! 

Mido: MAH HA HA!!! I am nakkie man, see my exposed bum bum and cower!!!!! *He runs from the café and down the street, screaming.*

Saria: @_@ Maybe he's allergic to oregano.....

Zelda: ANYWAYS.... What do you guys want to order?

Saria: I'll take a coco. 

Malon: I'll have a coffee... except no milk.... no sugar........ no coffee.... 

Zelda: So basically you want just a cup?

Malon: Exxaaaaccccccttlllyyy! ^_____^  

Zelda: What would you like, Link?

Link: I'll have you -

Zelda: Uh excuse me?

Link: O.O I....... said...... "I'll have poo".... 

Zelda: Poo? 

Link: That's what I asked for isn't it? 

Zelda: Okkkk? I'll see if we have any.... poo.... 

Link: *Talking to himself.* Phew. Good save, Link. 

Zelda: And what do you want Rauru? 

Rauru: Nothing, thanks. 

Everyone: NOTHING!? YE GODS, HELL HAS FINALLY FROZEN OVER AND SATAN IS A PUSH UP POPSICLE!!!!!!! 

Rauru: Nah, I just had a big lunch is all.... *Stomach grumbles* BBBBBUUUUUUURRRRRRRPPPPPPPP! 

An English Man falls out of his mouth. He is wearing a bowler hat and a suit.

English Man: JIMINY CRICKET!!! DAYLIGHT, I SEE DAYLIGHT AND NOT FROM OUT OF RAURU'S REAR HOLE!!! YIPPPEEE!! I'M BLOODY FRICKEN FREE!!!  

He runs off and Rauru hiccups. A hemp woven collar pops out, initialed with a detailed J.J. 

Malon: O My... GOD!! That's Jabu Jabu's collar! You.... ATE MY WHALE!!!!

Rauru: I DID?!? MAYBE THAT'S WHY I HAVE THAT HUGE WHALE INDENTATION IN MY TUMMY....

Rauru lifts up his shirt to show a massive big lump shaped as a whale. Jabu Jabu makes a whale noise and blows out of his blowhole. 

JJ: Mmmmrrrrrrrrrr! 

Malon: How could you eat such an innocent creature, Rauru? ;_;

Rauru: *Shrug* I dunno... He looked up at me with those big whale eyes and made his little whale noise... AND I ATE THE B@STARD!!!! *Cartman voice yet again* I don't care; I'll do what I want! SERVES HIM RIGHT FOR BEING SO FRIGGIN INNOCENT, ITS LIKE HE WAS JUST SAYING "COME ON AND EAT MY SCRUMP-TILIUMPTIOUS BLUBBER!!! 

Malon: I guess it's just the circle of life... I think I need to sing; it's how I always express my emotions.

Malon goes on the small café stage and takes out an acoustic guitar. 

Malon: *Singing* I found you in a pool. ~ You had cute eyes and your water was filled with your stool. ~ It was love at first sight. ~ Well love like friends, not creepy sexual love, that wouldn't be right.

Everyone claps.

Malon: Thank you. I have one more. *Sings again* I'm trying to sing a song about my whale. ~ But I can't really tell my tale. ~ There is a lady in the audience who really stinks. ~ I bet she doesn't even know it's her I'm talking about, I think. ~ You, in the front row wearing the red skirt. 

Lady: M... Me??

 Malon: You make my nose hurt! ~ O smelly lady, smelly lady! ~ I wish you'd go away-y! ~ O smelly lady, smelly lady! ~I'd even pay-y! (A nice adaptation to Phoebe's "Smelly Cat". I'll be selling cds of it and other Malon hits, such as the classic song featured in the LOZ game "Oooooh ooooh (Ooooohh)" and the Remixed version featuring Missy Elliott "Ooooh Ooooh (Let Me Work It)". )

Lady: ;-; *Runs from café* 

Everyone claps.

Malon: Thank you, thank you. *Takes her seat again.*

Saria: LINK! Could you please make it any more OBVIOUS that you want Zelda? Your eyes are all over her!

Link: NOSA! *Link is staring at Zelda when his eyes pop out* Xo( No eyes! GAH! 

Zelda: Um here, I found these on me. *Hands Link his eyeballs* 

Link: Thankie... *Pops the little buggers back in* There ya go, you sillies. That's the second time that's happened this month.  

Saria: Why don't you just ask her out already? God Link, this isn't second grade! 

Rauru: IT ISN'T?! BUT I WANT MY NAPPIE TIME AND MY NOOKIE. WAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! 

Mido: *Runs back in the café and starts dashing in circles around the couch, his pants on his head and he's.... COMPLETELY NAKKIE! GASP!* BA HA HA!!! LOOKATME, LOOKATME, LOOKATME!!!!  

Censor: (You know, the little black box that covers up naughty areas) HEY SLOW THE FRICK DOWN!!!! I NEED TO COVER YOU UP, YA STREAKIN WEIRDO!!!

Mido: No way! You think you can conceal me? WELL HA TO YOU BECAUSE I AM SPONGE BOB NUDDIE PANTS, WEARER OF ONLY SOCKS!!! 

Suddenly Sponge Bob wanders onto the set.

Sponge Bob: Nosa, I am Sponge Bob Nuddie Pants!! See... *Rips off his pants* 

Crowd: GASP!!!

Sponge Bob: What? I'm just a sponge; I got nothing to hide anyways!!!!

Crowd: O riiiight, we forgot. 

Sponge Bob: So anyways... Why don't you calm the Hell down, you skitz-o freak of a midget! *Clotheslines Mido and he falls unconscious to the ground*

Link: THANKS! But wow, Sponge Bob dude, I had no idea you were so VULGAR! You're usually so clean and nice....

Sponge Bob: That's only when I'm on Nick! Do you actually think I walk around saying "Barnacles" and "O my crabby patties" all day long?! The real world called, Link - it said GROW UP, YOU FREAKIN FAIRY!!!! Now I gotta go take a dump, so bye, elf boy. 

Sponge Bob leaves then. 

Link: Jeeze, SB's a D!CK! 

Saria: You said it.

Link: NO ACTUALLY I **DIDN'T**! I CENSORED MYSELF! SEE - "D!CK"! 

Saria: -__-;; So anyways.... I don't think I'm ever going to become a good caterer!!

Rauru: *Shrugs* Waz the big dealie-o? You can cater me! 

Saria: Uh are you sure, Rauru? Usually caterers cater **parties**, not for just one person.

Link: Uh have you ever met Rauru? The last time Zel had a party he ate all the food.... and her dog...... and one waiter. I think he eats something like eleven meals a day. 

Malon: HE ATE MY WHALE!!! MY WHALLEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! *Sob*  

Rauru: *Rolls his eyes* I thought we moved past that whole 'whale eating' business already, Malon. Ok to make it up to you, you can have my goldfish, Skittles! 

He hands her a fish bowl.

Malon: WEEEE! Wait a minute, this bowl's empty - 

Rauru: O hehe. ^#o_o#^ I forgots that one time when I ordered pizza but it took a really loooong time to come... 

Malon: SO YOU ATE YOUR FISH!?!? LIKE, GAH RAURU!!! WHAT HAPPENS WHEN, LIKE, YOU RUN OUTTA FOOD HUH??? YOU GONNA EAT ME?!?

Rauru: Hmmm.... You might be tasty... with some fava beans. (Kind of a 'Hannibal' reference I guess.... Sorta.... -_-;; Shuttup.) 

Zelda comes over with a tray.

Zelda: Ok here you go, guys! Saria, here is your coco. Malon gets a cup and.... we're working on the poo, Link.

Link: Thank you. =^_^=

Zelda: *Sits down on the couch* Ok break time! 

Saria: Shouldn't you ask your boss first?

Zelda: I.... don't..... have one...... o.O Shuddap, I can take a break if I want to! 

Link: Hey, Zelda, can I ask you something? 

Zelda: Uh hu....

Rauru: Do it, do it!

Link: Clam it, you! Well..... I've known you for what? Seven years now? 

Zelda: Uh hu. Ever since middle school when you wet your pants and I helped you to the nurse. 

Link: I remember that. Those motha flippin b@stards called me Mr. Puddles for the rest of the year! ;_; 

Rauru: DO THE DEW! 

Link: o.O Um ya, right. So what I'm trying to say is, well, I've been keeping a secret from you all these years.....

Zelda: You're not...... SECRETLY A WOMAN! 

Link: No....

Zelda: O-M-G! YOU'RE A CYBORG MADE BY ALIENS TO SEDUCE ALL OF EARTH'S WOMEN!

Link: No! What I'm trying to say is - 

Rauru: YOU ATE THE LAST OF MY CHOCO CHIP COOKIES! YOU BLEEPIN A-HOLE!    

Link: NO! AND YOU KNOW MY SECRET ALREADY RAURU!

Rauru: O right, so I do. Continue. ^_^

Link: What I want to say is, Zel, I've liked you since the first day I met you....

Zelda: You.... You have!

Link: Yea, you've always been so kind. Even when the nurse made me wear that big kid diaper, you didn't even laugh......... a lot. 

Zelda: I had no idea you felt like that, Link. Truth is, I've liked you for a while too.

Link: Really!? WOW! Well would you like to go out sometime?

Zelda: Course. ^_^

They start to kiss.

Crowd: WOOOOO HOOOO! LETS GET IT ON! 

Zelda and Link pull apart.

Z & L: PERVS!!!!!

Crowd: n_n We sorries!!!!  

Zelda: Come on, Link, let's go to the back room where we can **talk**.....  

Link: TALK!? We just did a butt load of talking! 

Zelda: No, **talk**-talk.

Link:..... What other kind of talking is there?? 

Zelda: --_--; Well there is the NAKKIED talking......

Link: *Jumps up and pulls her to the back room* NOW THAT'S MY KIND OF TALKING!

Crowd: **NOW** WHO'S THE PERVS!!!!! 

Mido: *Moving in a heap on the floor, starting to shake.* Man, where am I? MOTHER OF BOB, I'M HAVING WICKED WITHDRAWALS!!!!! NEED...... MORE..... BROWNIES..... WILL..... KILL.... FOR...... BROWNIES..... 

Saria: Um I'm flattered and all, really, but don't you think you're taking this a lil too far.... Maybe you have a food addiction, Mido. You can get help for it, ya know.

Rauru: Uh believe me, he can't. I'm the leader of the F.A.A. (Food Addicts Anonymous. Shout out!) and a little squirt like him would get eaten alive there. Really, I've seen it happen. Last time Roseanne Bar ate our newest member, just broke him right in half and ate him, it wasn't pretty let me tell ya. 

Mido: HAND 'EM OVER, BIOTCH!!!!! *Grabs basket of brownies*

Saria: MIDO STOP!!!! YOU'VE TURNED INTO A MONSTER!!!!! 

They have a tug of war with the basket until Saria lets go and the basket goes flying. (Strangely, in slow motion.)

Mido: NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - *Jumps for basket*

Pamela Anderson: NNNNNOOOOOO! I'M COMING TO SAVE YOU, LITTLE DROWNING BOY! *Runs in slow motion.* 

Saria: A) There is no little drowning boy. B) You have the wrong show.

P.A.: (o) . (o) (That's not her eyes either.....) O whoops, sorry. Every time I see slow motion I start running, my baddy. 

She leaves and the scene continues. The brownies fly right into Rauru's awaiting mouth.....

Rauru: GULP. YUM.... Yet sadly just not as tasty as whale flesh..... or people flesh.....     

Saria: Serves you right, Mido. You got way out of control. 

Mido: SSOOOOOOBBBBBB! *Curls up in little twitchy ball on the floor* Twitch, twitch. 

Rauru: Is he just gonna stay like that? ......... FUTBALL TIME!!!!! 

A bunch of rugged guys with shaved heads and some missing teeth come running in, wearing uniforms and cleats. They descend on Mido, trying to kick him around like a ball.

Futball Guy #1: *Australian accent for all those who can't tell.... Well at least I hope that's an Australian accent. Dude, if an Australian person reads this I am **so** screwed! Stay away, Mel Gibson! Away! * I've got ya, mate!

Futball Guy #2: YA MOTHA'S A WALLABE SUCKER!     

Futball Guy #1: WHY YOU DIRTY ARSE!!!! *Head butts him and his nose gushes blood. Steals Mido from him and kicks him along.*

Mido: GAH...... ORGAN FAILURE!!!!

Futball Guy #4: WELL YOUR DAD'S A PIGMY LICKA!!!! *Kicks down Guy #1 and takes Mido.*

Mido: Have I mentioned I'm in..... PAIN!?! So.... much..... pain....blacking out now.... 

Futball Guy #3: HEY I WAS SUPPOSED TO TALK BEFORE YOU SINCE MY NUMBER'S BEFORE YOU!

Futball Guy #4: I DON GIVE A FLIPPIN SNOT! *Rips his arm off.*

Referee: *Who just 'magically' appeared.... Blows his whistle* GAME ENDED! GUY NUMBER FOUR IS THE WINNER!   

Futball Guy #4: WHO ASKED YOU, YA B@STARD! *Punches ref in the face and he's bleeding from.... everywhere?*

Referee: SHUT YA GOB, YOU ARSE JAM!!!! *Rips his.... head off. Yes his head ok. Then he shrugs and blows his whistle again.* NEW WINNER IS ME! *He leaves*

Mido: INTERNAL BLEEDING! *Lies on the ground, twitching.*

Everyone: o.O

Saria: Well at least that got Mido over his food addiction.... since his stomach is now lying on the ground by my feet......

Rauru's cell phone beeps and he answers it.

Rauru: Hey...... O.... Uh hu...... Ok..... Yup..... Ok sure...... Bye.

He hangs up his phone.

Rauru: GUYS - and by guys I mean only Saria because Link and Zelda are off glomping, Mido is passed out from a brain hemorrhage, and Malon is a stupid dirty hippie - GUESS WHAT!!!

Saria: -_- There wasn't anyone on the phone, you were just pretending to talk to someone?

Rauru: Well..... Yea. But my agent really did call me this morning and I finally have an acting gig!!!!!!

Saria: O I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!

Rauru: SO AM I! AND NOW THIS FIC WILL END SO WE CAN AIR MY GREAT ACTING DEBUT!!!!! ENJOY, LOYAL FANS OF MUI!!!!

*

It's a white set and music starts to play. Suddenly some rather hefty people come out dancing in khakis. They do all sorts of spins and stuff.

Rauru: Gap Fat, Gap Fat. Just play it cool boy, real cool. *Snaps fingers*

He does a split.

Pants: Rrriiiiipppp! Too much bootay in the pants....

Rauru: =^_^= O whoopsies. Can I see the wardrobe lady again? I hads a wittle accident. 

Old Wardrobe Lady: O Gawd Damnit! Suck it in, big boy! 

Rauru: Owww! 

Old Wardrobe Lady: O I'm sorry; did my needle come in contact with your FAT ASS?!? (Ok totally stolen from "**Zoolander**". Psh, like they ever read these stories anyways... ::Gets mauled by Miramax lawyers:: Eep!) 

Disclaimer: Gap Fat comes in XXXXXXL and TOO-MANY-X'S-TO-WRITE-L. As for what happened to Ruto...... We'd rather not discuss that...... Let's just say its **possible** he was run over by a car **accidentally**.... But replace "its possible" with "yes the b@stard definitely was" and "accidentally" with "repeatedly". Thank you.

*


End file.
